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-Adopting a child IS in some ways a selfish act. If you are adopting because you truly want a child (or another child) then it is something you are at least in part doing for yourself. I have heard lots of people say that if you wanted to “make a big difference in the world” or do a big charitable act, you could take the huge chunk of money you would spend on an adoption and invest it into a country, family, program, etc. and make a difference that would touch many people instead of just one.

-In a perfect world, both the adoptive parents and the child... more

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-No matter how wonderful an adoptive family is or how beneficial or even life-saving adoption is for a child, it is extremely important that the loss that child has endured is not ignored or swept under the proverbial carpet. Every child that is adopted, even from the most dire of circumstances, has suffered loss. Losing a birth family, culture, language, home, friends and entire life is significant and often traumatic for a child, and will have effects on them throughout the rest of their lives.

It is also important to remember that although we often see... more

I get some ideas for this blog from the discussions that go on on some of the email adoption groups that I belong to.

One discussion that has been going round and round lately is the one revolving around the idea of adoption being a way to “save a child”.

This is a complicated one, and one that seems to come up fairly frequently on the email groups, so I thought I would tackle it here.

Here are my thoughts, in total random order.

-No one should ever adopt for the SOLE reason of wanting to save a child. There are many other ways that someone can save a child. You can sponsor a child so that they can remain in their family/village and get food and an education,... more

Continued from previous posts...

There are some agencies that are now, because of the huge imbalance of families requesting girls and boys, implementing policies making it so that parents can not choose the gender of their child if they are waiting for an infant referral. Some make this true for families with kids of both genders already in the home, and some make it effective for all of their adoptive families.

On one hand, I figure that if you are having a child “the old fashioned way”, you don’t get to choose, and you are blessed with whatever gender you get. On the other hand, I have heard a lot of families who for whatever reason, are only willing to adopt one gender (usually... more

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The race issue certainly comes into play here as well. Many people openly admit that they have many more concerns/fears/insecurities in raising a black boy into the teenage years and adulthood than they do a black girl. Are there challenges to raising a black boy in this day and age? Absolutely.

But without discounting the issues that families are likely to encounter raising a black son in this country, I think it is important for all perspective parents to realize and embrace the fact that racial issues will exist and will become part of your life and will be something you have to deal with, whether you adopt a black girl or a black boy (or... more

Early in our first adoption process I heard the statistic that over 80% of adoptive parents with a gender preference of the child they are adopting, want a girl. I have since heard that statistic over and over, but I have no idea if it is accurate or where it comes from.

I DO however know that there definitely seems to be an overwhelming preference in “adoption land” for baby girls. I have seen the differences in “wait times” for a referral for an infant girl over an infant boy. I have seen some agencies, especially ones with Guatemala programs, lower fees and even consider baby boys “special needs” because they are so much harder to place than girls. I have heard agency reps say that... more

I got an email that asked me to address an issue regarding how to answer comments from others. I have written about handling the typical comments that transracial families tend to get when out in public, in this post and in this post. However this person asked about a different “type” of comment, which involves an issue I haven’t tackled yet.

She wrote,

Many parents of Ethiopian children are told by other people "Your child does not look African." Or they comment on how light their skin... more

On Christmas Eve, the Washington Post had an interesting article on transracial adoption. The headline I am sure, grabbed the attention of many readers.

Why Doesn’t White Adopt Black?

The author, David Nicholson starts off the article by questioning,

“Whenever I see a white couple with an Asian or Hispanic child, I can't help wondering whether adoption -- like the personal ads -- is one of the last areas of American life where naked expressions of racial preference are acceptable.”

Nicholson comments on how many white adoptive parents from... more

I ended my last post by saying...

So you see what I mean when I say that there is no one “right” term to use for many situations, and coming up with universally acceptable phrases is unlikely. You can also see (or have experienced) how frustrating it can be for a well-intentioned individual, who feels like everything that they say is wrong to someone.

That is why I liked this article so much, which was featured in this week’s edition of Adoption.com’s... more

Adoption language can be a difficult topic. Much like racial terminology, “proper adoption language” changes rapidly, and it can be difficult and frustrating to stay up on what is currently being viewed as “right”.

And yet, personally, I think that there is a lot of “gray” in this issue, and some things are just never going to be agreed upon. Adoption is a personal and emotional issue, which complicates things.

For instance, let’s take the example of the children in my family. When we first started our adoptions five years ago, most people... more