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In my Transracial Adoption ABCs, the letter “Q” is for questions. There are lots of questions involved in adoption. For the adoptive parents, there are many questions that they should ask (both themselves and others) and there are questions that they are going to be asked. In this post, I will write about the questions that transracial adoptive parents should be asking.
Questions to ask – Deciding to adopt transracially is a big deal, and it is not a decision that should be made light-heartedly. It is one that a lot of thought, research and preparation should be put into. There are many questions that adoptive parents should ask as they decide to pursue transracial adoption.
In many of these questions below you can follow this links to more questions and information on that topic.
General adoption questions:
- What is my motivation to adopt a child?
- Am I prepared for the risks involved with domestic adoption or with international adoption?
- Can I financially afford to adopt and to raise a(nother) child?
- Am I willing to consider an open adoption? Why or why not?
- What age child do I want to adopt?
- Am I open to any special needs?
- Am I open to adopting siblings?
-Would I be supportive of my child is he chooses to search out his birth family later in life?
- Have a put a lot of research into carefully choosing an adoption agency?
- Do I know that the agency and program that I have chosen are ethical?
- Do I understand how children are identified for this adoption program?
- Do I understand the laws, rules and regulations of this adoption program?
Questions specific to transracial adoption:
- Why do I want to adopt transracially?
- What races am I open to (or not?) Why?
- Am I prepared to forever be a part of a multiracial family?
- Am I willing and prepared to deal with racism and to prepare and teach my children about racism?
- Do I value culture as an important part of a person’s life or do I think it is not a big deal?
- Do I believe in being “color aware” or “color blind”?
- Do I believe that lighter is better?
- Can I handle being a highly visible family that often receives a lot of attention when out in public?
- Am I prepared to incorporate another race/culture into my family and into my life?
- Am I prepared to handle negative reactions from family and friends?
- Do I understand why transracial adoption is a last resort for children?
- Am I willing to fully embrace the blessings and challenges of raising a child of a different race?
There are certainly other questions for adoptive parents to ask. Leave a comment and add to the list!
Adoptee here.
The list is too short and too shallow. Far too short. Here are some additional questions.
- Am I ready and prepared to meet the birth/first family of my child in the event my child wants to meet them with me?
- Am I prepared to say no to answering questions about adoption other people ask?
- Am I prepared to answer invasive questions that others may ask of me in a way that won’t damage my child’s self image?
- Am I prepared to learn at least 1 year’s worth of my child’s first language and learn my child’s culture for life?
- Am I prepared to face the ethical and moral problems of adoption if asked?
- Am I prepared to teach the first culture of my child with my own to them?
- Can I mentally absorb more than my child as a family member (i.e. their family before the adoption becomes yours too adoption is NOT a one way street. It’s two ways.)?
- If my child is teased in school for being of a different race, can I handle it to accommodate my child’s needs? (i.e. Do you know how to handle it?)
- Have I prepared my extended family on what to say and not to say to my child once I adopt them? (Some remarks from extended family members can be scarring. I know people who say it’s not their business but then the extended family says things like, “Look at the orientals living in that house!”)
- If you are adopting because of infertility, have you faced this infertility in such a way you feel confident that you are not adopting to replace the children you would have had?
- Are you adopting because you want to replace a lost child? (You shouldn’t adopt until your heart has healed. No human being can replace another.)
- Are you adopting because of some famous celebrity or that you heard that adoption from X country is really cheap? (Then you are thinking in the wrong direction. Children are neither fads nor bargain deals.)
- Am I prepared that the pain my child feels cannot and will not always be the same as mine if they are transracial?
- Am I prepared to face birth/first parents who might say their child was stolen from them?
- Are you aware that any reasons you have for adopting your child now will reflect how they view you in the future?
- Can I handle the media’s unfair treatment and manipulation of adoption for my child by facing these issues with them?
- Can I handle my views on adoption being challenged?
- If my child is against adoption in the future, can I handle it?
Adoption is not just about, you the parent, it involves, society, society’s blatant unacceptance of adoption (and slanted view thereof where everything is black and white), the child, their current culture and country before you adopt them, their family, the foster parent that took care of them, the orphanages, the foundations (who will be hocking you and possibly your children up for money in years to come no matter your experience with them), language, food, and so on. If any one of these things a parent who is adopting internationally cannot accept, I don’t think international adoption is right for them. Even if one of these things the child does not or will not accept in the future, that part is still part of them and who they are. Just as any parent wants to teach about their own culture to their children so they can inherit it, in the case of international adoption or any adoption you inherit that child’s culture family and language too. Consider that before thinking about prices, you will be glad you did, Do you really want to say as your reasons for adoption are “other adoptive parents were adopting from there too” and “it was cheap” Do you really want to be the one to tell your child such things that robs them of their humanity and degrades them to an object? ’cause I’ve been there at that end of things and while I was understanding that they had no idea what they were saying it, it still hurt.
Adoption isn’t like the ads plastered on this website from Adopt Help and Adoption Network with chubby babies with blue eyes (Which personally make me sick because it presents child as object…), nor is it all tears and grief, it is coming to understand to some fundamental level that what a child loses in the process of adoption (i.e. being made an object with a number stamped on them) they can regain through love, understanding, open communication, support, and most of all education–yours and theirs.
Anyway, I know I’m missing some questions because some of the adoptive parents I’ve talked to said, “I wish I was asked that question before I adopted.” Not out of regret, but simply to make them think. And education is a large part of what makes parents better guides for thier children.