While earlier in this Transracial Adoption ABCs series I wrote about adopting teenagers, today, the letter "T" is for toddlers.

Toddlers - Toddler adoption is a unique type of adoption. Many people make the false assumption that adopting a toddler is simply adopting a bigger baby or an older baby, and that line of thinking can cause problems.

When you read parenting books and articles, teens and toddlers seem to get the reputations for being the challenging age groups to parent. Toddlers (and teens) are in a state of transition. Toddlers are no longer babies, and yet they are far from being "big kids". They are often kids of great contradiction.

At one moment they are running from mom as fast as they can to assert their newly developing independence, and then a moment later they are clinging fiercely to mom's leg and wanting to be babied.

Toddlers are learning how to communicate, how to feed themselves, how to use the bathroom and how to be independent little people. They are learning about choices and consequences. They love to use that little word "no".

Toddlers are known for their tantrums, many of which stem from frustrations regarding communication. If a two year-old points to the cookie jar and asks for a cookie and mom says, "no", he lacks the skills to negotiate or plead his case. So oftentimes he throws himself on the floor and cries in protest of the unfairness of it all.

Toddlers often want things just the way that they want them. They are learning about their likes and dislikes, and while those can change quickly, they are often pretty passionate about them. They often tend to thrive on structure, routine and predictability.

Many toddlers are anxious around strangers, and it is a common age for separation anxiety with their parents.

So keeping all of that in mind, it is easy to see why adopting a toddler can be a challenge. When you imagine taking a little person fitting the description above, and then turning his entire life upside down, taking away all that is familiar to him and replacing it with new people, new home, new foods, new bed, new toys, new songs, new rules, new language, etc., you can see where the difficulties would be.

Toddlers are not big babies. They are old enough to understand that their lives are completely changing and that they have no control over the situation, yet at the same time they lack the emotional maturity and the communication skills to talk about those things and share their feelings in ways that don't involve crying, screaming, etc. They have likes and dislikes and developed little personalities.

I often tell parents adopting toddlers, to imagine the things that "set off" the toddlers they have already parented (or the toddlers they know of friends or family members). Being separated from mom and dad, not being able to communicate, missing a meal, missing a nap and having their schedule thrown off in any major way are often big culprits.

Personally, I love toddlers. I am good at parenting toddlers. We have adopted two toddlers, and if we ever decide that there is an eleventh little kid meant to be with us, I predict it will be another toddler.

My advise for parents considering adopting a toddler is to prepare. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you are just adopting a big baby. Be prepared for the unique challenges and the unique blessings and rewards that come when you adopt a toddler.

Resources:

Toddler Adoption - my posts, including posts on grieving and attachment, language, the need for routine and our experiences.

Book - Adopting A Toddler - What Size Shoe Does She Wear?

Book - The Mother of All Toddler Books

Book - Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft