You do not hear a whole lot of talk about adoption and marriage. Usually when there are discussions on email groups or forums about adoption and marriage, they revolve around one spouse being ready and committed to adopting and the other spouse being reluctant to adopt, or not ready to do adopt.

But marriage is, or at least should be, a big part of adoption (when you are dealing with a married couple). Single parents can skip on over this post. :)

Change is often stressful on a marriage. Adding a child through birth often places stress on a marriage, as parents learn to have another person in the family, juggle new responsibilities and deal with the lack of sleep and lack of personal time and space that often come with a new child.

Ideally, parents choosing to adopt a child will do so with their marriage in tip-top shape. If your marriage is already stressed or struggling, it is likely not a good time to add a child.

Parents should both be committed to the idea of adopting before proceeding. When one parent is pushing the adoption along and the other is not quite on board, this can lead to trouble. Both parents need to equally want the child that is being adopted, and they should both be equally committed and prepared for dealing with any issues and struggles that may come along when the new child comes home.

Today is my eleventh wedding anniversary, and with 10 kids in 11 years and a relationship that is even happier and stronger than when we started, Josh and I definitely know a thing or two about how to keep your marriage happy and thriving amidst adding new children.

Here are some pieces of advice:
- Talk. It sounds simple, but many couples don't talk enough. Even if it is just for a few minutes here and there during a busy day, finding time to reconnect is important.

- Share your feelings. During the process, if you are feeling anxious or excited or scared to death, talk to your spouse about it. It is likely that they are feeling the same way, or have felt the same way during the process. Adoption is a journey of emotions, and it is one that husband and wife should go on together.

- Make sure you are making decisions together. When to adopt, what race child you want to adopt, the age of the child you want to adopt, the number of children you want to adopt and what special needs you are open to, are all decisions that must be made as a team. In our adoptions I often do the research and then "present" it to Josh, but all of our decisions are made together.

- Find time to be together once your child is home. With Belane's adoption, her anxious attachment in the early days infringed on the time that Josh and I normally spent together. Instead of putting kids to bed and then having a few hours to spend together, I was having to lay in bed with her to help her fall asleep, and then had to sleep with her, instead of sleeping with my hubby. We knew that it was a temporary situation (and now she sleeps happily in her own bed), but during that time we had to work extra hard to find special alone time.

- Keep your marriage a priority. For married couples, a happy family depends on a happy marriage. If you put ALL of your time and attention into your children, your marriage will suffer, and ultimately so will your kids. Newly adopted children need a lot of time and a lot of attention, and often other things are neglected. Don't let your marriage be one of them.

For Josh and I, our adoptions have been experiences that have brought us together spiritually and emotionally. Parenting our children together is one of our greatest joys, and something will be enjoying for a lifetime of anniversaries.


Choosing to Adopt - The Reluctant Spouse


Love Thursday- Me and My Man

A Letter to My Husband on Our 10th Anniversary