e-mail
As I have written about this past week, there is a wide range of emotions that adoptive parents often feel when they are going through the adoption process, and these emotions (and their intensity and rapid rate of change) often take parents by surprise. In my last posts I wrote about some of the challenges that can occur when your child is first placed with you, and offered some tips on how to help keep things as smooth as possible.
Now I am going to write about once you are home with your new child.
As I have written about, adoption is an emotional roller coaster for parents. The excitement and anticipation build and build until your child is placed with you, and for some adoptive parents, after their child is placed with them, there can be a sort of “deflated” feeling.
Sometimes children are having challenging behaviors. Sometimes adoptive parents do not feel the instant love that they expected to feel. Sometimes siblings in the family are feeling bent out of shape. Sometimes marriages are not getting the time and attention that they should. If you traveled for your adoption you may be suffering from jet lag and that awful feeling of having tons of things to catch up on from being away from home. It can all be overwhelming.
It is important to remember what a huge time of change this is for your family. Any times of big change can be emotional and stressful. Getting married, moving, adding a new baby by birth, etc. are all huge changes on a family that people understand and allow for a period of transition. You have to allow for that period of transition when you adopt as well.
Here are some other tips:
- Consider cocooning your family as much as possible. Limit outside commitments and activities so your focus can be on your family and getting everyone as adjusted and bonded as possible.
- Understand that love takes time to grow. Attachment takes time to develop. Trust and truly getting to know someone all take time. Allow yourself and your child to build your relationship over time.
- Educate yourself about what behaviors are normal in a newly adopted child. Be prepared for challenges with eating, sleeping, tantrums, power struggles, testing limits etc. as your child settles in and finds his place in your family. If you know that these are normal behaviors, you will be better prepared to deal with them and may find it easier not to take them personally.
- “Don’t sweat the small stuff”. If your house is a little dirtier than usual, if you don’t answer all of your emails, or if you cancel some previous commitments, it is not a big deal. Focus on what is most important and cut yourself some slack.
- Ask for help when you need it.
- Get good information on attachment so you can be sure you are doing all that you can to help your child bond and attach to you.
- If you are married, make sure you pay plenty of attention to your spouse and don’t let your marriage slip down on the priority list.
- Take care of yourself. If you are not eating and sleeping well or focusing on your own needs at all, then you cannot be the best parent you could be possibly be.
- Know that Post Adoption Depression is a real thing, and don’t be afraid to get help if you are feeling overly sad and down and cannot snap out of it.
- Keep a journal. I know a lot of people who have found great benefit in keeping journals. It can be very uplifting to look back and realize how much progress your child has made, and how far you have come together as a new family.
As with most things, if you are prepared for the realities that are possible, then it is usually somewhat easier to deal with those realities if/when they occur.
For my next few posts I thought it would be fun to share our experiences with meeting our adopted children for the first times and sharing what my expectations were and how reality did or did not line up with what I expected. I will also share my feelings during these times and how we handled challenges that we faced.
*For information/instructions on how to subscribe FREE to your favorite AdoptionBlogs, please visit this link.
