I’ve been asked a lot lately about advice for what to do once a new child arrives home. Most of this information should be helpful for families adopting children of all ages, but some of it is obviously relevant for toddlers or older children. My first piece of advice is…

Have Empathy- I know that this one sounds like a no-brainer, but with all the excitement that leads up to the adoption and then the process itself, which often involves travel and more excitement, and then actually having a new child…it is all exhausting! And when a parent gets exhausted, it is easy to become impatient. Plus, I know many adoptive parents who have gone into an adoption ill-prepared, and in that situation it is easy to become overwhelmed with a new child (this can also happen when the parents are prepared).

When a parent is exhausted and overwhelmed, it is difficult to be empathetic. I’ve been surprised by some adoptive parents who were discouraged their newly adopted child didn’t “act like their other kids” early on. It is SO important to remember what these kids are going through. Children joining a new family through adoption are having their entire worlds turned upside down. They are losing everything that is familiar to them (often even language, culture, food, etc.), they are with “strange” new people in new surroundings, with new rules and expectations, a new place to sleep, new food, and on and on.

As the adoptive parents, we are excited and happy and thrilled that our new child is home, but those are not the emotions that the child is going to be having at that time, and it is important to remember that.

I ask you, if you already have a child at home (whether through birth or adoption), picture that child on a regular day. Imagine their normal behavior, personality, etc. Then picture that child on a day when you are doing lots of running around…maybe missed a meal…missed a nap…under some sort of stress, like a doctor’s appointment…late for bedtime…think how out of sorts your child would be. I know that my toddler is completely not himself if his afternoon nap is off by even an hour.

Thinking of it this way, it is not hard to imagine how “off” a newly adopted child is. With all the change and upheaval and everything else going on in their lives, it is not hard to imagine that you are not going to see their true personality for a while.

These kids need the benefit of the doubt. They need extra hugs, extra cuddles and parents that understand, “My gosh. You are going through a lot. I’d be ________ too.” (Fill in the blank with crabby, clingy, whiny, hyper, demanding, irritable, not hungry, not sleeping…whatever.)

I’ve heard a lot of adoptive parents say how “surprised” they were when their adopted child’s personality seemed to drastically change after a certain time period.

So, my first piece of advice is to remember that these kids are going through a lot. Picture yourself in their shoes…try to imagine what it would feel like. Don’t assume that the way they behave now is the way that they will be in a year…especially the difficult behaviors. Give them understanding and empathy and love.

To be continued…