In my last post I talked about empathy, and how important it is to have empathy when you new child comes home. In this post I am going to talk about structure and stability, which are two more things that will help your child’s and your family’s adjustments.

Kids need structure and stability. When a child’s life has some level of structure and stability and predictability to it, that life feels safe. This is extra-important to children who are newly adopted and often feel like their lives are out of control.

Children like to know “what is coming next”. They take comfort in knowing the basic layout of the day…when they will eat, when they will play, when they will sleep, etc. Establishing routines with newly adopted children is really important. Bed time routines, meal-time routines, etc. will help their new life start to feel predictable and familiar and safe. It also helps them to feel like they belong and are a part of the family.

When our two daughters (adopted at ages 9 and 6) had been home for a little over a month, I noticed that they loved anticipating what would happen next. “We’re going to play a game, say prayers and then go to bed soon, right Mom?” For kids that had lived in a chaotic way and then had their whole lives changed, having a predictable schedule was reassuring and comforting.

Going hand in hand with this, is while I talked about how important it is to have empathy, it is also important not to be a push-over. Some people take the empathy a little too far and are afraid to impose any rules or “regulations” on their new child. Don’t let your child get away with something after being home for a few weeks that you don’t want them to still be doing in a few months. For one, letting them do something now that they will be corrected for doing later, is just going to be confusing for them, and is setting yourself up for a struggle.

Plus, despite what they may say, kids like rules. Rules make life safe. Adults that have fair, well-explained rules with rational/natural consequences are trustworthy. Kids without rules feel unsafe, and feel that they are out of control. Of course a newly adopted child isn’t going to know, learn, understand or remember all sorts of new rules all at once, and they shouldn’t be expected to. New parents should start with the things that are most important to them (no hitting and hold hands near the road) and move on slowly to other things that are less essential (chew with your mouth closed when eating).

Natural consequences work the best…for example, “You won’t share those blocks with your sister, so now you cannot have them.” Or “You dumped your food on the floor, so now you have to help me clean it up.” It’s important to always continue to be loving towards your child when they have done something wrong.

You should expect your child to test these new rules. Sure, this new Mom lady SAYS I shouldn’t throw my shoes, but what will happen if I do? Kids push their limits and test boundaries to find out where they really stand, and find out what they can and cannot get away with. Newly adopted children also test boundaries, rules and limits to see if you can be trusted, and to see if you will still be there and still love them when they do wrong. It can be frustrating for a parent to be tested and tried, but it is important to try to remain patient and firm, and yet still loving, as this is what your child needs.

So while it is important to be empathetic with all that your new child is going through, that doesn’t mean you have to let him have the run of the place and be out of control. Especially in the early days with your new child, having some sort of a predictable daily schedule along with bed-time routines, etc. will help your child feel less “out of control” and having some rules and consequences early on will help your child learn that you will keep him safe and will help build trust between you.

To be continued…