If you are considering a transracial adoption, one thing that you need to ask yourself is if you are prepared to be a “highly visible” family. If you are already a transracial family, this is something you are already experiencing.

What do I mean by highly visible? I mean that you stand out from the crowd. Whether you are eating in a restaurant, playing at the park, shopping in the grocery store, attending church, going to the dentist, or any thing else you might do in public with your family, you will be noticed.

Your family will stand out because you are different. And because you are different, you will attract other people’s attention and curiosity. And for some reason, when your family stands out for being different, many people think that that gives them the right to be nosy and sometimes intruding. As an example, when I was the mom of just one little baby (imagine that!!!) and I walked through the mall with my friend that also had just one baby, no one gave us a second thought. We were two regular moms shopping and people left us alone. But when I walked around the mall with my friend that had twins, we were constantly stopped by people who wanted to ask questions and touch the babies, etc.

I can’t imagine a stranger approaching a “normal” looking family sitting at a table in a restaurant and start asking them personal questions, but such is the reality when your family stands out.

When we had just our biological children and our two Asian daughters we got a lot of attention. Then we added four African-American children, and now we REALLY get a lot of attention. After a while you get used to turning heads, being stared at, hearing whispers as you walk by. You find ways to deal with it. I have found that if I stay engaged with my kids and my husband and avoid eye contact with those staring, they are a lot less likely to come over and talk to us. If they do come over, I have found that a short but pleasant response, and then turning my attention back to the kids works well too.

Occasionally I have had to simply say, “I’m sorry, I am trying to eat dinner with my family” and people “get” that they are intruding. As my children get older I know that they sometimes are bothered by all of the strangers that inquire about our family when we are out and about. I put their feelings, privacy and needs over those of the people out in public, even if they are good intentioned. Several times I have given my number to someone who was truly interested in having a conversation and getting more information about adoption.

All this being said, while we have had our share of rude comments, the overwhelming majority of comments we get in public are positive. Most people don’t’ seem to want to be rude, they are just curious, and many say something encouraging or complimentary.

One of the families that we are very good friends with has three biological sons who are 2 months, 5 years and 8 years old, and a daughter from Russia who is almost 6 years. When they are out in public, their family’s story remains their own, because no one can “tell” that their daughter is adopted. Since their adoption was not transracial, they are able to maintain a level of privacy that us transracial families cannot. When your family is transracial, everywhere you go, everyone you see will know that your children are adopted. (OK, we met one really weird guy once who after watching our family, marveled at how young I was to have given birth to nine children…I was so surprised I just thanked him!!)

So, be prepared. Find ways to keep as much privacy as you can. Don’t let strangers’ intrusions damper your family’s together time. Always put your children’s needs first. Learn how to be “busy” when you are out and about (not hard with my crew). And I always keep it in the back of my mind that people are watching, and that we are a sort of ambassadors for adoption. I try to show by my actions how loved my children are and how happy we are, and hope we leave a good impression.