Last week I wrote about financial barriers to adoption, both the cost of the actual adoption itself, and the cost of adding another child to your family.

Today I am going to talk about a different barrier to adoption for many people, and that is the fear of not being able to love an adopted child as “your own”.

This is a common fear, and one that often stops a couple or parent from moving forward with adopting. I have heard it time and time again…”I don’t know if I can love a child that isn’t mine” or “I don’t know if I can love an adopted child as much as the child I gave birth to.” Here are some of my thoughts on this one.

-It is normal to question something that you have never done before, and something that is as big of a decision as adopting a child. It is also common to have fears and concerns over major life changes, such as adding a child to your family. In fact, it is very common among moms who are pregnant with their second child to worry that they will be able to love that child as much as they love their first born.

So know that you are not alone with this concern, and don’t feel guilty for worrying about this issue, as it is one that MANY parents of all kinds have had.

-I once heard (or read) somewhere advice from an adoption professional regarding this common concern (sorry I do not remember where this came from). She asked, “Who is the person you are supposed to love the most in your life?” And then she said, “Your spouse! Who, hopefully, is not a blood relative of yours.” The point she was making was that who we are related to does not have to limit or determine who we are able to love.

-Love takes time. While some adoptive parents find that they truly love their new child right away, many adoptive parents find that it takes time to feel that mother-child or father-child bond with a newly adopted child, as parent and child get to know each other, trust each other and ultimately love each other. That’s ok! Many new moms also take time to feel that motherly love and bond with their newborn baby. It’s ok and normal for love not to be instantaneous.

-When you adopt a child, that child is YOURS. You may not have given birth to him or her, but that child is no less yours than if you had.

-While it is a completely different way to become a parent, adopting a child is no less special, emotional, life-changing, amazing or wonderful. The moment that my Maggie was handed to me by a nanny in a Vietnamese orphanage; the moment that my Amanda was handed to me in the airport by a very tired escort; the moment that I saw my Marcus be born and he was quickly placed into my arms; the moment that I first met my two older girls and gave them a tentative hug; the moment that I first knelt down next to Benjamin in an Ethiopian orphanage and tenderly took him in my arms; and the moment that Belane ran out the front door of that orphanage and ran right into my arms…those moments are no less special in my heart and mind than the moments my three sons were born to me.

It is different, but it is not “less” in any way.

Continued...