Careful the Things You Say

Transracial families contain people of multiple colors, right? Right. As such, we will sometimes (or often, depending on where one lives) get questions like “Is he yours?”, “Does she look like her father?”, or “How did he get such dark skin?”

I’ve read a great many responses to these questions. They run from the common sense to the hilarious.

In the common sense category:
Question:”Is he yours?”
Answer: “Yes.” A no-brainer.

Question: “Does she look like her father?”,
Answer: “I suppose so.” with the subtext “assuming you mean her birth father”.

In the hilarious category:
Question: “How did she get such dark skin?”
Answer: “We bought the Barbie tanning bed.”

Then, there’s the seems-like-it’s-funny-but-maybe-not category:
Question: “Why is your son black?”
Answer: “Well, my husband is white but my lover is black.”

See, the person who said that means it to be funny. And on one level it is – the woman making the comment knows it’s not true and says it for shock value. Hopefully, no one would ever say something like that when his or her child was present. Even so, I can really see that coming back to bite you. Someone in line at the grocery checkout asks, and you give that answer. The checker overhears, as does the bag boy. They go home and say “I heard this lady say…” The next thing you know, you’re on the Internet. Especially if you live in a small town, you really could have other kids coming up to your kid demanding to know if that statement is true or not.

Sometimes, it’s fun to be sarcastic when we deal with what we feel are stupid questions. This is especially true when the questions are asked dripping with disdain. But we have to watch what we say, not just because of our reputations, but because our kids are listening.

There’s a song in the musical Into the Woods titled “Children Will Listen”.

Careful the things you say
Children will listen
Careful the things you do
Children will see and learn
Children may not obey, but children will listen
Children will look to you
For which way to turn
To learn what to be
…
Careful the tale you tell.
That is the spell.
Children will listen…

What do our children learn when we answer other people’s questions? Do they see us get embarrassed? Angry? Indignant? Do they get the feeling that having a different skin color or being adopted is something to be ashamed of? (That’s what I get out of the “my lover is black” response.) I tend to believe that most questions are innocent, and try to respond in an enlightening sort of way. I want to make sure that there’s no way Jack might think that adoption is something to hide.

Photo Credit.

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