Choosing to adopt transracially is a big deal. It is complicated and emotional, and requires research, education, devotion and commitment. As I have written about here and here, deciding to adopt transracially is often complicated by the issues involved and the nature of the process.

Now I am going to discuss another situation that can make choosing to adopt transracially challenging. That is when one parent wants to adopt and the other does not, or just is not ready.

On blogs, adoption email groups, adoption forums, etc., this situation is often referred to as “Reluctant Husband Syndrome”, because it seems that most times, when a couple has one partner ready to jump into an adoption and another that is “reluctant”, it is the wife that is “gung-ho” and the husband who is holding back. I do know of several couples where the situation has been reversed though…the husband was ready, willing and desiring to adopt and the wife was the one not sure it was right.

Either way, this is a difficult situation to be in. I have experienced it myself, and I can truly say that there is not much more emotionally difficult than feeling and believing that something was right for our family, and having my husband disagree.

What it boils down to though, is that in the case of a married couple, the decision to adopt has to be one made by both parents. Both parents have to be committed to the process and the child that will come through that process. The process should not be started unless both parents are on board. Proceeding otherwise is short-changing the child you are adopting and your marriage.

On the other hand, it is important to realize that sometimes one parent just needs a little bit more time to get used to the idea of adoption, of being a transracial family, of having another child, etc. Sometimes some heart-felt discussions, a little bit of research, some gentle prodding and a little bit of time can change an outlook significantly (see my family photo for proof of that.)

I advise that when one parent is ready and wanting to adopt and the other is not, that the "ready" parent is patient, but persistant. Do things to strengthen your marriage. Talk openly and honestly about your desires to adopt, your concerns and your excitment, but do not be pushy either. Make sure the "reluctant spouse" has the opportunity to address his (or her) concerns and worries, and make sure that they are taken seriously. And remember that many, many, many adoptive couples start off with one parent "dragging their feet" (or flat out refusing!), and then go on to move forward together when the time is right, and be blessed with a child through transracial adoption.

For more advice on being in a “reluctant spouse” situation, you can read this post I wrote a while back on the topic.