(This is continued from earlier posts...click on the category "Belane's adoption" to the right and scroll down, as earlier posts are at the bottom of the page)

I figured I had met hundreds of children at that point in our trip, and they were all beautiful and they were all sweet and they were all in need. I loved all of them, but until this day, not one had felt like “mine”. I couldn’t even explain how I felt at that moment, but I knew that I had felt a connection with that little girl that was unlike any experience I have ever had, and I knew it felt horribly wrong to be driving away from her.

I did my best to compose myself and when we got to the home for the older children, I was grateful for the distraction. Josh quickly had all of the kids, including Ben, involved in a rowdy game of soccer and watching Josh with all of those children was one of my highlights of the entire trip. Dan and I got to talking with Sidisse, and we got a tour of the compound and met some of the children. I got photos of Yonas, who was just the funniest and sweetest and healthiest looking little guy, and several others and was amazed at how great the kids all looked. I don’t know what I expected the children in an HIV+ orphanage to look like, but I didn’t expect them to all look so healthy. They were all active and smiling and laughing and very few had any visually noticeable signs of their disease. They were all gorgeous.

Sidisse was wonderful and she gave us tons of information. I was asking her questions that would be suitable for the fundraising video, but in the back of my mind I was also curious about HIV, the treatments, the prognosis, etc. for personal reasons.

I realized there was a lot I did not know. I learned that with the new medications, that the children were living well into adult hood. I learned that HIV was no longer considered a terminal disease, but was considered chronic, yet manageable. I learned that the AHOPE children were now considered adoptable. My head was swimming…each “what if” thought was counteracted with a “there’s no way” thought, but my heart was still full of that sweet little girl.

I casually mentioned to Sidisse that I had been very touched by a little girl at the younger children’s compound and after I described her, she told me her name was Belen (pronounced Blaine) and that just that day, Merrily Ripley, the director of the Adoption Advocates International adoption agency had met with Sidisse to do the “adoption intake” for several of AHOPE’s children, and that Belen was one of them. I believe that this was the exact moment that the battle really started in side of me.

On one side, there was the practical side of me that was saying, “YOU ARE NUTS. THERE IS NO WAY.” The practical side reminded me that we weren’t even home yet with child number nine, and it was ludicrous to be considering a child number 10. The practical side was reminding me that we had barely been able to scrape the money together for this adoption, and that there was no extra money to start another. The practical side was shouting that this little girl has HIV, which is a big and horrible and scary disease and that my plate is already full and that was way more than we could handle. The practical side was saying that Josh would never go for it, that our family and friends would have a fit and that I needed to get over this and let go of any thoughts of adopting Belen immediately.

But then there was the other side. The other side was saying that we could adopt her. It was saying that she was all alone in this world, and needed a mom. The other side was reminding me how intensely I felt when I saw her, telling me that I had never felt that way with any other human being in my whole life, and that that had to mean something. The other side was picturing her playing with the rest of our kids, and cuddling in my lap again. The other side already loved her as my daughter.

As we headed back to the safety of our hotel, I started to think that maybe I was just feeling the ill effects of a long and emotional day. Dan and Josh both commented that it had been an amazing, and yet very emotionally draining day and I certainly agreed. I walked with Dan for a short while and he asked how long the children at AHOPE had, meaning how long would they live, and I excitedly started telling him what I’d learned about new medications and long life expectancies. Part of me was thinking about Belen and how Dan would react if he knew what I was thinking, and I wanted him to know that these kids have hope and a future and not just a death sentence.

We went back to Ben’s orphanage and had a surprise meeting with his biological grandmother, which was definitely a distraction. And yet afterwards, as we sat up in the family room waiting for our turn to meet with the orphanage doctor to hear about Ben’s health history, I couldn’t help but start thinking about Belen again. I was still full of emotion and very overwhelmed, and I showed a picture of Belen that I had on my camera to Katie, one of the moms we had traveled with. I just told her she was a sweet little girl we had met at AHOPE, and again was afraid of what would be thought if I admitted what my heart was yearning for.

That night I showed Josh the photos of Belen that I had captured. I was hoping that he would admit to feeling something for her too, but if he did, he didn’t show it. I wasn’t ready to talk about how I was feeling, because I was so conflicted I didn’t even know exactly how I was feeling, and I was sure if I started to talk about it I would start crying and not be able to stop. So I kept my thoughts to myself.

The next day we made the long trip to Assala, the town in which Ben was born. It was an exhausting and busy day, and again, a day full of emotions as we saw the home, town and family to which our son was born. And yet with all that going on, my thoughts kept drifting back to Belen.

Friday was our last day in Addis. That morning Josh and Ben went and played at the park and went to update my blog on how our trip was going for everyone that was reading along back home. Here is part of what I wrote, “We visited AHOPE, the center for HIV positive children. Wow. Dan said it best when he said once we got back to the hotel that he just felt numb. These children are SO beautiful and SO happy and loving and just special little spirits. They are well loved and cared for and thanks to the new medicines they have the chance to live long and healthy lives. That is the work of AHOPE. We went to the first home where the small children were and got lots of pictures and video. Ben even took one camera and took pictures for us. He is pretty good! I had said all along I would not get attached to any of the other children here in Ethiopia, and I had done great at the orphanage, etc, until we got to AHOPE. This little girl caught my eye, and ran at me like she knew me. She sat in my lap the whole time we were there, and let me carry her around. She was shy with Josh, but was playing with him a bit at the end. The only way I can describe it is that she melted into me when I held her. It literally broke my heart to put her down. I cried for the first time since we got here and it was open the flood damns. Here I go again...”

As I wrote it, I was torn between wanting to tell people how I was feeling and not wanting to admit how I was feeling.

To be continued...