On one of the email groups I am on, there are some pretty heated discussion regarding race and transracial adoptions right now. One of the group members shared a website, which was full of people against transracial adoption (among other things) and the things that they had to say were so disgusting that I refuse to even summarize. Then another person shared a website about “angry adult adoptees” that were also against transracial adoption who had some equally disturbing things to say (disturbing from a transracial parent’s point of view anyway).

So that sparked a conversation on the list on how concerning it is to know that there are people out there that hate our families because of their make-ups. Some people wondered if transracial adoption was somehow wrong. People have shared their experiences and thoughts and fears.

After reading all of this, I have come to a few conclusions.

1.-Racism and hatred are learned. So is love and tolerance. Children are not born to hate. Racism is a big, ugly, nasty but very present reality in our society, one that which parents who choose to adopt a child of a minority race choose to make a reality in their own life. It is also a reality that we must prepare our children for. Personally I do not want my children to live in fear, but I want them to know what is out there and be prepared. If we knew our children were going to have to face a viscous dragon on the way to school tomorrow, we would not just say, “bye honey! Good luck!” We would suit them up with armor and weapons and give them some tips. Education and preparation are the tools that we can give our children to help them fight the dragon of racism. Every transracial family that softens the heart of extended family, friends and community, is making a difference towards spreading love and tolerance and chipping away at racism and hate.

2.-If you look for it, you can find people who are against just about anything on the internet. I guess on one hand it’s good to know what is out there, but on the other hand, you can make yourself nuts with all that is out there. As upsetting as these websites against transracial adoption are, remember how many groups, websites, blogs, etc. that there are which are pro-adoption.

3.-I personally will not let prejudice and hate and ignorance define my family. Yes, there are people out there that will hate my family and my children because of the color of their skin, but there are many in society that give us big smiles and nice comments too. Our family gets overwhelmingly positive responses when we are out and about. I have to put my faith in love and tolerance over the alternatives.

4.-As I have said before, transracial adoption is not a perfect choice. There are many issues involved with it, especially for the children involved. My cute little black baby boy is going to grow up to be a black man in the United States, and his father and I, his white parents, have taken on the challenge to help him do so. I have no doubt that he will have mixed emotions about some things and that there will be things that when we look back, we could have done better. But, I also know in my heart, that us becoming his parents, was his best option in life. No parents are perfect, no family is perfect and everyone has things that they would change about their life if they could. I will not be a perfect parent, but I will be a loving, educated, committed parent who is dedicated to helping all of her children grow up to be proud of who they are and where they are from, and to be the happiest and most successful grown-ups possible.

Race and prejudice and transracial families are always heated topics. These discussions that get adoptive parents talking and thinking are good however, because they help keep us from getting too comfortable, and help to keep us diligent in doing what is best for our children. And doing what is best for your children is what being a parent is all about.