In my last post I wrote about how newly adopted children often have very intense "mother hunger", or a need to be loved and receive lots of (almost constant) attention from their new mother (and/or father). My dear friend described it as her daughter having a cavern in her heart, that needed to be filled with the love of a mother.

Newly adopted children do have a strong need to be loved, and while each child may display this in different ways, it is usually a challenge for new parents to give their new child all the attention they need and want, and at the same time care for their other children and maintain a bit of their sanity.

Here are some tips on how to feed your child's "mother hunger", while still caring for your other kids and for yourself.

- Consider "wearing" your child. If you are adopting a baby, toddler or young preschooler, a sling or back pack carrier are wonderful for bonding. They fill your child's need to be held, while allowing you to have your hands and arms free. All of the close contact really helps a child to bond to you and feel secure and loved. If your child is older, a rocking chair is a great way to have physical contact, or laying together at bedtime.

- Consider sleeping with your child. We have never been a "family bed" family (with the exception of young, nursing babies), however with our first toddler adoption we found the need and the benefits of co-sleeping. We found that when our daughter spent the night alone in her bed, she woke up anxious and super clingy, but that when she woke up after spending the night curled up next to me, she woke up calm, happy and ready to go. For us, night time is one time where there are no other kids around to compete for attention with, and co-sleeping is a wonderful way for us to give lots of one on one attention to a new child and to get a good night's sleep.

Our goal is always to transition the child to sleeping all night in their own bed when they are ready, and we have really found that co-sleeping helps a child feel peaceful and secure.

- Spend lots of time on the floor. I have found that when I get down on the floor to play with the kids, I end up with kids all over me, and everyone is happy. There is not the competing to be "picked up" that there is when you are standing and holding a child. Playing with blocks, dolls, board games, etc. on the floor is a great way to spend time with all of your kids.

- Cut out stuff that doesn't matter. You should expect that your time, physical energy and emotional energy are going to be completely sucked dry when you first bring home a new child, and to prepare for that, cut out anything that you can in those early weeks home. If you can, take a break from your job. Cook easy meals (or better yet, meals you prepared and froze before your child came home). Get someone else to cover your carpooling for a few weeks. Skip that PTO meeting. Cut out as much as you can, so you can give as much time and energy as you can to your family.

- Take time for yourself. Having a child that needs and wants you 24/7 is exhausting, both physically and mentally. While it is important that you are there for your child during this critical bonding time, it is also important that you take care of yourself. If you get to feeling overwhelmed, there is no harm in taking a nap or a bath by yourself while someone else cares for the kids, or even getting out of the house for a short while on your own. You will be a better mom for it.


- Remind yourself that things will get easier, and make sure you notice the small improvements in your child's behavior. I remember one day when I was feeling frustrated with Belane's neediness, and then I remembered that at that point I was able to go to the bathroom with the door closed, I could run downstairs to get the laundry without her following and I could hold Marcus without her having a fit (and all of those things would have caused a melt down a few weeks earlier).

- Don't listen to people who tell you that you are spoiling your child. Your child's "mother hunger" is a true need. Your child needs to feel loved, he needs to build bonds and attachment to you, and he needs to have that hole in his heart filled up so that he can be a secure and happy person. If you carry your new child for long periods of time each day, if you let your child always be by your side, if you co-sleep with your child and you basically give him the overwhelming amount of attention and love he is needing, you will likely end up with a child who is secure, healthily attached and independent.

*Picture from Liquid Library