We have looked through the AHOPE pictures with her several times, and she doesn’t get sad. She tells us everybody’s names, and ALWAYS points out herself first. She got to talk to her little friend that also got home from AHOPE last week, on the phone yesterday and it was really cute.

She is a very quiet little girl when she is nervous, but once she is comfortable she sings and jibber jabbers pretty non-stop. She has the funniest giggle and laugh. She is picking up lots of English words…yesterday she said clear has a bell “CAKE” when she saw one on the counter, and I didn’t even know she knew that word! She seems to understand most of what I say, and she has this really funny “Heh?” thing that she does when she doesn’t understand. She does not miss a thing…she is one smart little cookie!

I have to admit that the first day or two, as much as I had been looking forward to getting her home with the rest of the family, it was almost hard for me to share her! It was great to see Josh or Mercy or one of the other kids carrying her around, and yet it made me want her.

We’ve really started to settle down into a nice routine though. I am glad that she is content enough to go off and play for awhile with the other kids, and I am glad that she comes running back for love and kisses often too. I know that she is still definitely “anxiously attached”… I absolutely would not leave her for even an hour at this point…but I also feel that the foundation of our attachment is strong and building all the time.

It amazes me that this little girl, who has suffered through loss and abuse and neglect and so many changes in her short life, has been so able and willing to come to us with an open heart and open arms, and to let us love her, and be willing to return that love to us. My heart if overflowing whenever I look at her…I am in awe of her…and I am proud of her…I feel a fierce need to protect her… I am amazed by her…and I am so very in love with her.

I have also been so proud and impressed with all of my other kids. As much as they missed me, they were not mad at me, or upset that I was gone because of Belane. They welcomed her into our family with open arms, and have really gone out of their way to help her be comfortable and to help her feel loved and feel at home. They were all well behaved while I was gone (in fact my Aunt told me that my “nine” were easier than her one granddaughter…I don’t know if that is really true, but I’ll take the compliment!!) They did great at school, they helped around the house…they were awesome. I love them all so much…I can’t even say.

I have the best kids on the planet. 

Emotionally, I am still exhausted, but I think I am starting to rebound. I was thinking about it last night, and I haven’t really been able to truly “relax” emotionally since February, when I met Belane.

At first I was so torn up about how I felt about her and how “crazy” it seemed at the time to adopt her. Then I knew that she was meant to be my daughter and I was stressed about what Josh would think. Then we went through a month or so while Josh prayed about things and we discussed things and I really thought it wasn’t going to happen. Then we committed to adopt her, and I went into “paperwork guru” mode. Then there was all the stress of telling our family about our decision. Then I was just anxious throughout the entire process…willing things to go as fast as they possibly could…stressing over every paper and step of the process…worrying about her health, and eight million other things. Then of course there was the great waiver drama and our decision to travel…that pretty much brings us to the present.

I keep telling myself that I can finally relax and just settle in to our wonderful life without all that added anxiety and stress. Belane is home. We are all together. I am still being dizzy a lot of the day and falling asleep every time I sit still for too long, but I am feeling more and more like myself everyday. But I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever been so emotionally or physically exhausted…not even after pregnancy, labor, delivery or anything else.

But it has all be SO worth it. I look at Belane…I hold her and kiss her… I smell her sweet smell and feel her weight in my arms…and I KNOW, that our lives would not be right without her. I would not be right without her. Being her mom is part of who I was born to be. In the very short period of time we have had her, the joy and the love and total happiness has far out-weighed the stresses and anxieties.

With all of our children, both born to us and adopted, we have had the confidence and the knowledge that “that” child was meant to be ours. It wasn’t just a “hey, we want another child” thing, but it was a “hey, we want THAT child” thing. With Belane those feelings were overwhelmingly strong for me and now that she is home, they have only grown.

She is home…we’re all together…life is good.