In my last post, I shared a lot of the personal experiences we have had with our Belane in regards to attachment.

In this post I am going to offer some tips on building and fostering healthy attachment with your adopted child.

- Understand where your child is coming from. Think about his history and background and how that can affect his trust, attachment and adjustment. For many children who can remember the loss of their first parents, anxious attachment is common.

- Be prepared to do things differently than you have with your other children, and understand that you can not parent a newly adopted child like you can any other child. For example, I would never let one of my other kids hang out in the bathroom while I take a shower like I wrote about letting Belane do in my last post, but that is what she needed at that time to feel secure.

- Read about attachment before your child comes home, so you have an understanding of what to expect, how your child might feel and how to best handle things. Many of the parenting strategies recommended for helping a child with attachment are very different from "normal" parenting.

- Get a feeling for what your child needs to feel safe and secure. For Belane, that means having me around as much as possible, and keeping necessary separations short. Through short separations she is slowly learning that it is o.k. for me to go away for short periods of time and that I will always come back to her.

- Make sure you have lots of physical contact. Skin to skin contact, cuddling, hugs, kisses, brushing hair, having your child sit on your lap to read a book, rubbing lotion on arms and legs and other activities that involve physical contact all help with bonding.

- Limit contact with other people in the early days (and longer if necessary). For children who are scared to attach to someone new because of fear of further loss, other people, even strangers, can feel "safer" than their new parents because there is no emotional risk. For children who are anxiously attached to their new parents, being around other people can make them feel very nervous and insecure.

- As much as possible, keep life predictable. Structure, firm limits and predictability all help children feel safe and secure and help things feel familiar.

- Understand that grief is very real for adopted children and that children need to work through their grief to be able to fully bond with their new parents. Allow your child to grieve and help him work through it.

- Know that it is common for newly adopted children to go through regression, where they act younger than they are for awhile, and this is normal and can even help with attachment. If your child wants, allow them to be fed, rocked, sang to, carried, etc.

- Know that each child will handle things differently. Our daughter Amanda came home from Korea at age two and was petrified of everyone and everything for two weeks (including Josh). Then it took her about six months to get over being highly anxious when she was not with me. Our son Ben came home from Ethiopia at age five, and bonded and attached to us quickly and easily, without any challenges at all. Two of our girls were adopted at six and nine years old, and they took quite awhile to fully love, trust and accept us as parents. Some kids cling fiercely to their new parents and some kids push them away. Some kids bounce between doing both.

- Know that "testing" can be a big part of attachment. Before some kids allow themselves to fully attach to their new parents, they feel the need to "test" their parents' dedication and love. This often results in challenging behaviors and defiance. While this can be difficult for the parents, when children are "testing" you, it is more important than ever to show that you are going to love them no matter what and that you are committed to them no matter what.

- Remember that attachment takes time. Do not expect huge change overnight. True love and trust take time. However it is also important to make sure you do stop to notice the small improvements as they happen. Attachment often happens in "baby steps" that can be easy to miss if you aren't looking for them.

While Belane does still have some anxiety in her attachment with me, she has made huge progress over the past few months. In the beginning, she has to be physically touching me in some way (or preferably on top of me) in order to go to sleep, and now she naps and sleeps all night happily in her own bed and in her own room. I shower in peace and solitude. And while she is still often my little shadow, she has also developed a healthy independent streak.

I know that as time goes on and as she continues to see that I am not going to leave her or disappear, that her anxieties will continue to fade. I know that time and love are slowly healing her wounds of loss and fear.

Resources on attachment:

You can find the list of books that Adoptionshop.com has available on Adoption and Attachment here.

Adoption Learning Partners- an Online Adoption Education Community provides free, online courses for adoptive parents, including one on attachment with lots of great advice, strategies and information.

Here is a page of resources on attachment on Adoption.com, including articles, links, support and information.

Here is a post I wrote earlier about the age of child at adoption and attachment.

There is lots of great info on the Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog, as well as on the Adoptive Parenting Blog in the Attachment category.