I recently wrote a post titled "Preparing for the Worst" (which was followed by posts titled "Hoping for the Best" and "Reality is Usually in the Middle").

A reader left a comment on my "Preparing for the Worst" post, and asked how do you deal with challenging issues so that they don't get worse and asked if they could be dealt with.

I wanted to address this question in a post since I think it is an important question.

One of the things that is most important for adoptive parents to realize is that parenting a child that you brought into your family through adoption IS different in some ways than parenting a child that you gave birth to, especially in your early days, weeks and months together.

While it may be common practice to let an older baby who is waking up all night long "cry it out" to help him learn how to fall asleep on his own, it would be a horrible idea to let a newly adopted older baby to "cry it out".

The key to "dealing" with behaviors of newly adopted children and making them better instead of worse, is to address the issues behind them. While an older baby you have been parenting since birth may be waking and crying at night out of habit and can easily be taught to go to sleep on his own (and won't be traumatized by being left to cry it out because he has no reason to doubt your love and permanence), a newly adopted child is likely crying out of fear and anxiety. Leaving a child that is full of fear and anxiety alone in a new place to cry, is only going to make that child feel more fearful and more anxious. Where the first baby needs to be taught a new skill (falling asleep on his own), the second baby needs to first learn that he is safe, that he is being cared for and that he is loved. The skills can be learned later.

When Belane first came home she cried every time she could not see me. I carried her a lot, and I let her always be near me. While a lot of people accused me of spoiling her and "making her" clingy, adoption experts disagree. By constantly reassuring a newly adopted child of your love and your permanence in his life (even if that involves some "spoiling" and tons of close contact in the beginning), you are helping him to become more independent, not the opposite. A year later, Belane is a secure and confident little girl. She sleeps well on her own, she goes happily to preschool with out me and she did just fine when I went to Seattle for a long weekend by myself earlier this month. She knows I am here for good. She knows if I leave I will come back. She knows she is safe and loved.

The key to dealing with challenging behaviors is to try and understand the emotions and issues behind them. A newly adopted child who is stealing food does not need to simply be punished for stealing, he needs to be reassured that there will always be plenty of food for him.

A newly adopted child that is testing rules and boundaries does not simply need to be punished for disobeying, but needs to learn what the new boundaries are and that they will be enforced. He needs to know he will be kept safe and what is expected of him.

A child that is pushing you away does not simply need a lecture on respecting your parents, he needs to know that he can't push you away, because you are always going to be there and can not be scared off. He needs to know that your love is there to stay and that it is safe to allow himself to love you.

This is why I feel it is so important for adoptive parents to educate themselves before their children come home. If you read the books, the articles and the blogs and get a good idea of what your child will be going through, you will be better able to understand what may be the cause of his challenging behaviors, which will in turn help you to do what is necessary to address the issues and eliminate or reduce the behaviors.

Educate yourself about adoptive parenting. Remind yourself that a lot of the advice you get from parenting books, grandparents and well-meaning friends and neighbors will actually be the opposite of what is best for your child. Listen to your "mom" (or "dad") instincts and focus on what your child really needs from you. If you do these things, you will likely find that the challenging (adoption related) behaviors disappear over time.

Resources:

Adoption Education Course for Adoptive Parents

Brain Development and Adoption

Cycles of Need and Unmet Need, and Your Child

How to Tune in To Your Child's Needs

What You Really Need to Know About Attachment


***Time is running out! If you have not yet participated, make sure you visit this post and enter the fun giveaway for National Adoption Month thanks to Curls.