In my last two posts, I have been writing about the reactions that my transracial adoptive family gets when out in public, and why it is important to prepare your children for the questions and comments your family may receive.

Here are some tips on preparing your kids–

- Talk to your kids honestly about why your family will likely receive extra attention. Starting with something simple, such as, “in most families, the parents and the children are all the same color and look somewhat similar, so in families like ours where the parents and kids don’t all look the same, it catches people’s attention,” is a good way to get the conversation going.

This is also a good topic to start with and then transition into discussing racism (in appropriate terms for your child’s age). While many of the comments and questions that transracial families get are mostly based on curiosity, I do know of several adoptive families who have gotten blatantly racist comments.

- Teach your kids that their adoption stories are their own, and that they are not obligated to answer personal questions (especially from strangers) with any detailed information. Ask your kids what they feel comfortable sharing (and know that this can change often), and help them come up with appropriate answers.

As an example, our oldest daughter was doing a “Story of My Life” project in school, and chose to share a photo of herself with her birthmother. I told her that sharing the picture and her story would open up a lot of questions, and we did some role-playing, where I pretended to be the students in her class and I asked her some of the questions I thought they might ask so she could practice her answers.

- Teaching kids to be able to say simple things such as, “Sorry, that’s private,” or, “I don’t feel like talking about that,” is a really useful tool.


- Remember that your kids will take their cues from you. If you are irritated, easily offended or bothered by questions and comments, they likely will be too, and may feel that there is something to be defensive about. If you offer personal information to every person that asks a question, they may feel pressure to do so as well.

On the other hand, if you are polite, non-defensive and yet protective of your family’s privacy, your kids will learn how to be that way too. I try hard to answer general questions politely, to not really get into discussions with people unless they are really interested in adoption (and I am not actively involved in something with my kids) and to have the attitude that we are a family like many others and there is no reason for a big hoopla (even if we sometimes cause one). :)

- Remember when you are answering questions or reacting to comments, that the words you say should always be the message you want your children to hear. If someone asks me if two of my kids are “”real” sister and brother, I always say yes when my kids are listening, because that is what I want them to hear. I may fully realize that the person is really asking if the kids are biological siblings, but what is most important to me is what message my kids receive.

- If you do run into a rude comment or a situation that could be upsetting to your child, make sure that you talk to him about it later.

- Interact regularly with other transracial adoptive families so your kids can remember that there are many other families like theirs out there.

If you have a tip for preparing your kids for reactions from others, please leave a comment.


For more reading on the topic, here is a great discussion that has been going on on the Transracial Adoption Forum and here is great article from Adopting.org on how to build resiliency in our children.