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I have been sharing some of the advice that I garnered from an adoptive parenting course that I took over the weekend. The course is titled “Because They Waited” and it looks at the affects that children may have from starting their lives in less than optimal conditions, and it offers practical parenting advice to adoptive parents.
In my last few posts I wrote about the course in general and the first two modules, which were “Making the Connections” (on brain development) and the Cycle of Need and Unmet Need.
The third module in the parenting course is titled “Tuning Into Your Individual Child”.
This topic was really interesting. They took the concept from the cycle of unmet need of an internal alarm, which is what results in a child when they have a need, call for help and do not get a response (or get a negative or inadequate response).
They described an internal alarm has fear and terror, and told how it involves increases in blood pressure, muscle tone and heart rate. It is not only an emotionally uncomfortable place for a child to be, but it is also a physically uncomfortable place for a child to be.
The parenting plan associated with this topic discusses how children who have lived through repeated cycles of unmet need develop internal alarms that are easy to trigger. Kids experiencing these repeated “internal alarms” can show signs of hypervigilance and aggression, or can appear very surrendered, passive, compliant and stuck in their own little world. While the former is much more difficult to parent, the latter signs can often be overlooked or ignored because they are “easier” on the parent.
Parenting tips on this topic included:
- Parents need to learn how to avoid triggering their child’s “internal alarms”. Some children become anxious around food, or at bed time or in a large crowd or when separating from Mom. Figuring out what sets off your child’s internal alarms can help prevent it from happening.
- Parents are advised to use “pull close parenting” when a child is exhibiting signs of having an internal alarm. Pull close parenting is where the child is kept very close-by to the parent. Children who have had many cycles of unmet need, need their parents’ help to stop their internal alarms from ringing, and need their parents to help them learn how to “turn them off”.
- Parents are advised to parent the underlying issue, not the behavior.
- Parents are taught that when children are reacting to an internal alarm, they are not in a state that they can learn anything. The example is given that if you were driving down the highway and suddenly realized you were about to be in a head on collision (imagine the panic you would feel), that it would not be a good time for someone to try and give you a driving lesson. Parents are encouraged to discuss things and teach their children at times when they are calm, and not emotionally worked up or shut down.
The fourth and final module in this adoptive parenting class is titled “So What DO You Need to Know About Attachment?” and I will be writing about that one in my next post.
