Large Transracial Adoptive Families – What kids miss out on

Life is about choices, and every choice we make has positives and negatives. My husband and I have decided to have a large, transracial family, built mostly through the miracle of adoption.

We could have had our three biological sons and called it good. We could have been just another “normal, three-child family” that could blend into a crowd. But that was not what we wanted and it was not what we felt was right for us and for our family. We have no regrets, and life has turned out so much better than we ever could have even imagined.

That being said, we are aware that because we have a large, transracial family, that there are sacrifices that have been made, and some things that our children miss out on. While we do work hard to ensure that our kids get way more than everything that they need and everything that we would want our kids to have even if we only had one or two, there are still some things that they miss out on.

Many of our kids will likely never have their own room. Our oldest daughter has her own room right now, but everyone else shares. While we have hopes to finish off our attached garage and make a few more bedrooms, for now, sharing bedrooms is a reality.

Our kids probably get less one on one time than kids in very small families. While Josh and I make every effort to make sure that every child gets as much one on one time as possible (and I do really well talking with the kids one on one throughout the day), there are only so many hours in a day, and we spend the bulk of our time together as a family.

Our kids don’t get a whole lot of privacy when we are “out”, and they don’t have the luxury of going out into the world and not drawing a lot of attention. Usually the attention that we get is positive, but it can be tiring and I know we all have days when we would love to be able to “blend” in to everyone else and not stand out in a crowd and feel like some sort of “attraction” at a fair.

Sometimes our kids only get one of their parents at their events, concerts, games, etc. While we try to get the whole family out to support our kids at their performances, games, etc. as often as possible, sometimes a sick kid, conflicting schedules or something else makes it so that only Mom or Dad can get there.

When we have a “new addition” that needs a lot of extra attention, it is a period of adjustment for everyone. Our kids also sacrifice having Josh and/or myself be gone when we have to travel for an adoption.

And yet despite what they miss out on because of our family size, every single one of our children were over the moon excited when we told them about Solomon. They did not see him as one more kid to lower their chances of ever having their own room, or one more kid to draw attention to our family. They did not see him as a sacrifice or a burden, they saw him as their new little brother.

I think that the reason that our kids have the open hearts that they do and have been so accepting of new siblings is that while they do miss out on some things, we have really minimized what they have to sacrifice. As far as the material stuff goes (which I don’t think matters all that much) they all have nice clothes, way too many toys, musical instruments and everything else they need (and a lot of stuff they want).

More important to Josh and I is that our kids don’t miss out on life’s experiences because of our family size. We make sure that they all get to do the extra-curricular activies/lessons of their choice, we eat out at restaurants often, we go to the movies, we travel and we do everything we would do if we had a small family. Of course we aren’t taking family trips to Hawaii, but our kids are seeing a lot and experiencing a lot and having a blast.

Most importantly, I believe that our kids have the attitude that they do towards new siblings not so much because of what they are or are not missing out on, but because of what they are gaining. See my next post for more on that.

You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.