I have been writing about lessons that Josh and I have learned about parenting newly adopted children throughout our adoptions. We have brought home seven kids through transracial adoption and are working on number eight, and have certainly learned a thing or two. :)

One of the most important things that we have learned is the need to be flexible when your new child comes home.

It is great (and very important) to read the books and the articles and to be prepared for what needs, issues, emotions and behaviors your child may have when he is placed with you. It is wise to have a "game plan" of sorts on where your child will sleep, where he will eat, what he will eat, what your daily schedule will be, when he will go to school (if it is an older child), and other important things, however it is equally important to be able to throw it all out the window if needs be.

The thing about kids is that they are all very different. What makes one child laugh makes another child cry. What causes one child to withdraw and be very sad, rolls off another child. Comforts, consequences and parenting techniques that work on one child can be completely ineffective on another. Any parent of more than one child will tell you that different children call for different strategies.


With Maggie we had planned on co-sleeping but that baby girl wanted her space. That first time we put her in that crib she grinned up at us, stretched out and slept like a rock for eight hours. She did every night after that and has always adored her bed. While she was very clingy and affectionate with me during the day (and never had any attachment issues), the baby that once shared a crib with three other babies in the orphanage was done with co-sleeping and wanted her own bed.

With Amanda, we had planned on co-sleeping since we knew that in Korea, families slept all together. Amanda certainly was not going to sleep by herself, and yet since she was absolutely petrified of Josh, she was certainly not going to sleep anywhere near that big scary guy. I ended up sleeping with her in her new room for several months.

With Ben, we completely avoided very sweet foods in the beginning because we had read that Ethiopian kids weren't used to sweets and didn't like them. Ha! One day the kid tried one of his brothers Cocoa Puffs and he looked at us like we had been hiding the good stuff from him. It was the same with his first lick of peanut butter. He now is known as the "chocolate monster" around here, and we still joke about him "not liking sweets".

When Belane came home, we had set a new booster seat on a chair for her at the dining room table. We assumed she would enjoy eating with the kids because we knew she was used to eating at a big table with lots of kids at AHOPE. Wrong! Every time we put her in that booster seat and all those other "strange" kids looked at her, she would crumple up and cry, tuck her head down and refuse to eat. For her first few days and weeks home, we had to let her eat up at the breakfast counter until she got used to the other kids and didn't feel out of place with them.

When Mercy and Des came home, lots of things were not as we expected (or had been told). There we were told that they were good at ended up to be real struggles for them (like school at first), and things that we were told would be struggles, turned out to never be an issue. Very little went as we expected!

We know kids who have come home and been much older than their parents have expected. We know kids who have come home and been much younger than their parents have expected. We know kids who have come home and been much sicker than their parents have expected and we know kids who have come home and been much healthier than their parents expected.

These are just a few examples, but the lesson to learn here is to be prepared and have a plan, but try not to assume anything and be able to switch to a "plan b" if necessary. If you are able to be flexible, you will be able to be the best parent to your new child and meet his needs in the best way possible.

* Picture from Liquid Library