One of my dearest friends recently wrote the most beautiful blog post about her six year-old daughter that came home last spring. In that post she wrote about a concept that really stuck with me and really "applies" to children being adopted.

She wrote about her daughter's "mother hunger", and how although her daughter had been loved and cared for, she had this cavern in her heart that was waiting to be filled by a mom. She then went on to talk about her daughter's fierce "hunger" for mom attention once she came home, and how her needs were so "desperate and intense" that they were often overwhelming. Her daughter clung to her new mom, pushed other kids away and "competed" intensely with other children who also wanted mom's attention.

Belane also had very intense "mother hunger". I wrote very early on after having her placed with us that she knew what a mom was for, and she knew that she wanted on. In the early days, she would simply cry and break down if I disappeared from her line of site. She wanted to be held all of the time, and we jokingly started referring to her as "my tumor". When I couldn't hold her, she would stand with one hand in the shower curtain when I showered, and she followed me around like my little shadow.

If I held someone else, she cried to be held. If I told one of the girls they looked beautiful, she would ask if she was beautiful too. She was not aggressive about it but she was extremely persistent, and if she could not see me or if she didn't feel I was giving her enough attention, she just fell apart.


These behaviors (both of my friend's daughter and of Belane) diminished over time, as they got to feeling more secure and those holes in their hearts got filled up with "mother love".

Belane will now happily go off and play. I recently went away for four days and she did great. She does not "compete" with siblings for attention, and she knows she will always get plenty. She is happy, she is secure and her heart is at peace.

I would say that all of our children, (with the exception of Marcus who we got to see being born, I was the first one to hold and he came home with us 24 hours later), exhibited this "mother hunger" in one way or another. Some cried a lot. Some acted out. Some were super clingy. Most of them stayed very close to me for their first weeks and months home.

How to fill that overwhelming need for attention from mom, that "mother hunger" in a child's heart, and surviving with your sanity and your other children still getting all of the love and attention they need, can be one of the biggest challenges when you first bring home a new child.

In my next post I will share some tips on ways to feed your child's "mother hunger" and help build strong bonds and healthy attachment.

*Picture from Liquid Library