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When we adopted Jack, we were open to any race.* Jack is black and white. As soon as we had him, I just assumed that, the next time we adopt, we would specify black and white as a first choice. It just made sense to me.
Since then, there has been a lot of discussion about adopting for the second time when your first child is black. Yes, specifically black, or “mixed with black” as opposed to Asian, Guatemalan, etc. In fact, recently, I’ve been involved in discussions on several online groups and forums about this very topic. I realized that what was initially a no-brainer for me is actually much more complicated.
My rationale was this: Being Black and White is different than being just Black, both culturally and in the eyes of society. I was basing this mostly on reading that I did to become a parent. It also made sense to me. Being two parts is different than being one part. I’ve had people assume that I want a Black and White child so she’ll “match” Jack. They tell me that biracial children can be darker than “full” Black children. Yes, I know that. I have no intention of bringing color swatches to match meetings.
The discussions I’ve been involved in generally bring up the following questions:
- We were open to any race the first time, why shouldn’t we do that the second time?
- Isn’t specifying race, saying that I want a black child, prejudicial, or even racist?
- We get angry when white people want only white children, how is wanting only a black child any different?
I can’t answer those with absolutes. I can answer with what I think, or what I feel. That’s why discussions about this topic become very passionate – there aren’t any commandments that tell us “Thou shalt do this and feel that”. However, some very good points have come up, and these are what I intend to fall back on if, no WHEN, we’re asked why we’re not open to any race.
Many parents try to build or maintain connections with people of their children’s race. If you have children from very different racial or cultural backgrounds, you will need to ensure connections to all of those backgrounds. Consequently, you may not have quality time to ensure that those connections are meaningful. Focusing on one race or culture gives you the opportunity to build strong bridges. (Thanks to OakShannon from the adoption.com forums for that advice.)
When we adopted Jack, we were open. It was essentially the luck of the draw that lead us to adopting a black and white child. The next time we adopt, we will make it our choice to adopt a black and white child. It is important for our children to know that, it’s not just God, fate, statistics, or luck that turned us into a multiracial family. We didn’t “settle” for a black child. We chose a black child. In making the choice the second time around, we affirm that the first situation was exactly what we wanted. (Thanks to several friends from the Yahoo! African American Adoption and Placement group for inspiring that acknowledgment.)
I could go on, and I’ll likely revisit this later. It’s a complex topic, and one that’s near the front of my mind as my son continues to ask for his baby sister.
* OK, almost any race. But that’s another post.
Great post. I have often thought if we adopted again (most likely not, four is a handful as it is!) what kind of adoption it would be (international, domestic, foster care). Ethiopian adoption was and is a great experience, but I also feel that we would go through Children’s services if we were to adopt again. This has made me think of many different aspects of having different races and cultural histories in our home.
On one hand I would love the idea as we are very much a “learn about culture” family. On the other hand, I also would want the siblings to have a culutural connection if possible.
Life gets more complicated at every turn!
Love this post! When we first broached our exciting news of adopting again with our friends and family, a lot of them asked if we were going for another child that “looked like” Ava (yet no one ever asked if we were considering adopting a child that “looked like” Aidan). We had never even considered the race of our previous children as a determining factor in our next adoption, partly because we have two children of different races at home already. We knew we wanted to adopt internationally again, but we didn’t have a “skin tone” preference. I think you said it perfectly when you coined this topic as complex. We make it a point to implement as much Guatemalan culture in our every day life as humanly possible, and while I know it will be a challenge (especially at first), I look forward implementing Ethiopian culture into our daily lives as well.
My bio child is biracial white and black, my first husband was black and I’m white. My husband now is white and we have primary custody of my daughter. We’re looking to adopt and we are open to any race, but I have to say I think it would be easier if the new baby shared being biracial. We have discussed this with my daughter and in talking about it we realized she feels excited about being the “only” one who would understand what it’s like to be biracial in the family. I think she likes the idea of being a big sister and having that point of connection really made her feel proud that that is something only she would understand. We mentioned that she would also be able to connect with the child if it’s anything other than white, by knowing what it is like to not “match” your parents.
I guess I feel it would be easier because it would be like covering our bases with one set of festivals etc and groups of friends and support people instead of two discrete groups, Say pacific islander and black/white.
I am black and was adopted by a white family at the age of 18 months old. I can tell you that for me I feel that I have grown up multicultural. If you are interested in my story please E-mail me at. luminouspubs@sbcglobal.net