Writing about Marcus’ birth and our adoption experience with him has me thinking a lot about birth mothers lately and open adoptions. It is pretty amazing to think that in just the past few years, domestic adoptions have changed from “closed” and secretive being the norm, to open adoptions being extremely widespread and recognized as being the best choice for all involved in many situations.

And with our Ethiopian adoption experience we have also seen that international adoptions can have a level of openness and connection between the birth family and the adoptive family.

Personally, I think that in situations where it is possible, open adoptions are in the best interest of the child and of everyone else involved. Taking the secrecy out of adoptions also removes a lot of the “shame” and stigma and mystery that children adopted in closed adoptions have reported to feel. When Marcus is older I can honestly tell him that his birth mother and I knew and respected each other and cared about each other, and that that relationship was created because of a mutual love for him. I can tell him why his birth mother made an adoption plan for him and tell him many, many details about his birth family, his ancestors and where he is from. And, if he wishes to seek them out, I will have lots of information that will make that easier for him.

Whether an open adoption situation results in a long-lasting relationship between adoptive family and birth family or if it is just a one time meeting, it still results in an openness and sharing of information that benefits the child. Whether contact is limited to letters and photos or is as open as frequent visits, the benefits are real.

As an adoptive mother, (and having adopted twice before internationally where the birth mother was unknown) it was also wonderful for me to get to see the woman that gave life to my child, to connect with her, to tell her how loved her child would be, and understand where she was coming from. I have never been a birth mother in an adoption myself, but I can only imagine that for birth mothers having openness during an adoption gives them a lot more comfort and peace of mind, to be able to know the people that she is giving her child to and knowing that they will be loved and cared for.

In international adoption, openness usually means information. I have heard story after story of adoptive families finding their child’s birth family in a far away country and learning valuable information about that child’s history, family, etc. To us, the information is priceless to have. While we were in Ethiopia we traveled four hours each way in a beat up 4x4 with no air conditioning to meet our son’s biological grandmother. Although the communication was strained, she knows that her grandson is loved, we know why he was placed for adoption, I was able to see where he is from and get priceless photographs of his birth family and his first home, and one day I will be able to remind him that he, his father and myself stood in his first home in Ethiopia and hugged his grandmother together.

I do understand that openness is not possible in all adoptions. Two of our children are unable to have any level of openness with their birth family because of an abusive situation and two of our children’s birth parents are unknown. And like so many other adoption topcis, this is another one where every family has to do what is right for them, their child and their unique situation, and no one plan is going to be right for everyone.

But I do believe that when it is possible, some level of connection between a child’s birth family and their adoptive family is extremely valuable and that knowledge, understanding, information and connection are much better than secrecy, separation and mystery.