Rainbowkids has a great article this month titled “Kids Aren’t Perfect” that talks about how important it is for all adoptive parents to accept the fact that there is no such thing as a “perfect child” and that no child comes with a health guarantee (or any other kind of guarantee for that matter).

This is something that has really bothered me. I have heard many adoptive parents go on about “only” being able to accept a perfectly healthy child. While it is possible to request a healthy child, it is not possible to ensure that your child will be or stay healthy, and that is something that all parents need to be able to handle if they are signing on to the contract of parenthood.

I have also been bothered by the comments of others along these same lines. When we were starting our first adoption, a baby girl from Vietnam who was expected to be healthy, we actually had someone ask us what we would do with her if she ended up being sick or “having something wrong with her” once she got home. I wanted to snap back that we would “stick the return label on her, send her back and receive a new baby in 7-10 business days,” but instead I said, “We’d love her and care for her to the best of our abilities, just as we would if one of our biological children became ill.”

I also felt really uneasy in the same sort of way when I looked through some paperwork sent to us by an adoption agency that we considered using (but didn’t). There was a form that was a “check the box” type form that had perspective adoptive parents “check off” the qualities they would accept in an adoptive child. There were boxes for age, gender, skin color, ethnicity, special needs etc. I looked over that paper and it was all way too much like ordering a sweater. I understood the purpose of the form, but I really didn’t like it.

Adoptive parents need to understand that adoption is not as simple as putting in an order for “one perfectly healthy baby girl as young as possible to arrive asap”. For one, while there is nothing wrong with requesting a healthy child (most adoptive parents do), every parent needs to accept the fact that whether you are gaining a child by birth or adoption, there is no guarantee that that child is going to be healthy or stay healthy, even children adopted as “healthy infants”. Of course many children do arrive healthy and do stay healthy, but it is good to be prepared that sometimes things don’t go as we plan.

Keeping an open mind and an open heart and being adaptable are important things for adoptive parents to be able to do.

I understand the desire for a healthy child. I think it is built into us as parents to want healthy children. It is the mantra of all pregnant mothers…”please let the baby be healthy”. Many adoptive parents set out to adopt healthy babies, and they do just that. There are many healthy children waiting for forever families. And yet many of the children waiting for adoption are not “perfect” and do have special health needs, both identified and unrecognized. These children are just as deserving of parents and just as easy to love.

Children aren’t sweaters…they are little people.

The article suggests that all adoptive parents “throw out the idea of the perfect child.” I would like to suggest that we redefine the picture in our minds of the perfect child. Our beautiful, healthy, tiny little baby girl from Vietnam? She turned out to be perfect. Our little girl waiting for us in Ethiopia that happens to HIV+? She is perfect. Our little girl from Korea with the crooked legs and the malformed heart? She is perfect. Our little boy born in the US who needs a feeding tube and oxygen because his airways just don’t do what they are supposed to? He is perfect too.