In my last post I started writing about "real orphans" and how I believe that all children who have been orphaned, whether by death or relinquishment, are deserving of being adopted.

However, there are additional issues to consider when children are being relinquished for international adoption in countries that are suffering from poverty, illness, famine, lack of resources and other challenges.

In the United States it can not even be said that no birth parents relinquish their babies because of external pressure and coercion. Unfortunately, this still occurs. And if coercion still occurs in a country where pregnant women have many resources and options even under very difficult circumstances, you can be sure that in countries without any support or resources for pregnant women, that coercion occurs.

It is also important to remember that when you are looking at a typical international adoption in which a child is being relinquished, you have a family often suffering from extreme poverty (and often also illness), a child (or children), a family who desperately wants a child or children, quite a few middlemen, and a large amount of money. When you take a step back and look at it that way, it is not hard to see how easily the situation can be taken advantage of.

While I know that there are many children who were truly relinquished by their first families because they were unable to care for them and wanted their children to have a better life, I also know that in some cases (in many different countries and programs), there has been external pressure to encourage relinquishment.

So while on one hand it is important to remember that it is very true that there are many parents in other countries who truly choose adoption for their children because it is their best option for whatever reason, it is also important to remember how easily the situation can be taken advantage of. Adoptive parents need to be aware of the risks.

I cannot imagine a more heart-breaking scenario as a mom to have a child that is now "mine" but knowing that that child's first mother had been pressured into giving up the child she loves, and possibly could have continued to parent her child with a little bit of encouragement or support.

I also know of several adoptive families who brought home older children who were under the impression that their first families still wanted them and were expecting them to come back home from the orphanage, and claimed that their first families did not know they were being adopted. Under those circumstances, getting the new children to bond to their adoptive family is extremely, extremely difficult.

So what is an adoptive family to do? DO YOUR RESEARCH. Don't be afraid to ask the difficult questions. I know way too many adoptive parents who shy away from confrontation or asking questions to their agency. Every adoptive parent has the right to know how their child came to be orphaned, how the agency comes into guardianship of the children they are placing, etc.

Also, if your child's birth parents are still alive, meet with them if at all possible. With our children who have birth parents and family members who are still alive, meeting with them and talking with them reassured us that adoption was truly what they wanted for their children and was in the children's best interest. That is a peace of mind that every adoptive parent deserves.