In my last post, I gave tips on how to prepare your children for a new sibling through transracial adoption.

In this post, I will address some things that are specific to adding an older child to your family, and tips on making the adjustment as smooth as possible for all of your children.

-Explain to your children at home how their new sibling will likely be feeling. Ask them to think about how they would feel if they were all of a sudden in a new place, with new people, hearing a new language, eating new foods and having everything that is familiar in life gone. Talk about how your new child may be feeling... scared, sad, mad, overwhelmed, tired, etc. Talk about how they may act (crying, yelling, tantrums, physically aggressive, etc.) Explain that it will not always be that way, but that the new child is going to need time to adjust to his new life and family. Also explain that if their new sibling is upset or unfriendly in the beginning, it is not because he doesn't like his new home, new family or new siblings, it is because of all he is going through.

When Belane came home, she loved the kids right off, but she was a little nervous around the older boys. She also had a really hard time sitting at the table for meals, with nine other kids looking at her. We told our kids that it would pass and why she was feeling scared, and asked them not to look at her or talk to her much at meals at first, and sure enough, she got over it quickly. Explaining to my kids WHY Belane was feeling the way she was, helped them not to take it personally when she was nervous around them.

I know that when our two older girls came home (six weeks earlier than we were expecting and with only a days notice), our boys had a hard time understanding WHY the girls were sad. The boys thought that the girls would be happy to be adopted and since the boys thought our home and family were just perfect, they couldn’t understand why the girls didn’t feel that way right off the bat. We explained to them about what the girls were going through and why they were feeling the way they were, and what things the boys could do to make the transition easier, and that helped a lot.

-If you are adopting a child internationally, explain to your children that their new sibling is not going to know much English, if any. My kids “knew” this when Ben was coming home from Ethiopia, but I don’t think that they really “got it”, that he wasn’t going to understand them. Kids do amazingly well at finding ways to communicate despite a language barrier though, and newly adopted children tend to learn English very quickly when they are completely submerged in an all-English speaking environment. Find books, games, etc. that your children can use with their new sibling to help him learn English, and plan fun things that they can do together despite the language barrier, for example Play Dough, bike riding, jumping on a trampoline, toy cars, dolls, etc.

-Put away your children’s favorite toys. Kids coming from an orphanage, and even foster care, have usually not had many (any) personal possessions. Coming from a place with hardly any toys at all, to a typical American home that is often overrun with toys and STUFF can be very overwhelming to a child. They may have trouble sharing, they may break things and they probably will have a hard time understanding what stuff belongs to who and what they can and can’t play with. So if there are things that your children do not want to share or risk being broken, put them up somewhere safe.

Having toys like Legos, wooden blocks, lots of matchbox cars, etc. is a good idea because they are easily shared.

-Explain to your children that their new sibling may also have a hard time sharing Mom and/or Dad. Tell them that their new sibling hasn’t always had a Mom and Dad, and that he is just getting used to that, and is still learning that Mom and Dad are always going to be there. Explain why he may be nervous and “anxiously” attached, and why he may feel threatened or upset when Mom and Dad give attention to the other children.

-From as early on as possible, treat the "new kid" the same way you treat the rest of the kids. If you are preparing special meals for the new child while everyone else has to eat what is prepared for dinner (like it or not), or are not giving him chores while your other children do have daily chores, or are letting him get away with things that are unacceptable for the other kids, this can lead to resentment and struggle between siblings. Treating him the same as the rest of the kids will not only show your children that their new sibling is really one of them, it will also help your new child feel like he belongs and is one of the family.

While newly adopted children often need some special treatment while they adjust, (and all parents know that it is impossible and not always the right thing to treat all kids the same or to always be "fair"), remember that the goal is for him to be "one of the gang."

When your new child does need some "special treatment", explain to your other children why, and remind them of times (such as when they were sick) that they needed and received special treatment too.

-Keep a schedule, especially early on. Keeping meals and sleep predictable will help keep all of the kids feeling as good as possible.

-To help build bonds between the children, plan fun time and activites for the whole family to do together.

-Remember that although there may be struggles in the beginning, that giving your child a sibling is a gift. When I look at my kids, it is hard to picture one without the rest. Because of our transracial adoptions, the worlds of all of my kids have been expanded greatly. They have learned much about empathy, compassion and unconditional love. They always have someone to play with and to "have their back", and they have the life-long friendship and love that is unique to siblings.

For more reading, you can find lots of great articles on adoption and sibling relationships here, on Adoption.com.