My dear friend Tana asked-

I'd love to know how you keep people's hands off your black kids' hair since this is a battle I seem to be losing.

Tana, well for one… I would have a hard time keeping my hands off of C, L and J! They are such beautiful kids!

But I know what you are saying… It is a common complaint in the world of transracial adoption that people love to touch the hair of black children (especially babies).

We have not yet run into this too much yet, but I have a feeling we are about to. Mercy and Des were old enough when they came home that they didn’t get the “shopping cart petting” like babies do. In church and at school ladies will touch a braid and make a nice comment, but since it is always complimentary and not overly invasive, the girls don’t mind at all. And since they are older, the people that do this are usually people that they know fairly well, which makes it less of a bother.

With Marcus and Ben, we have always kept their hair really short and it just must not beg to be touched (plus Marcus is such a beast in stores that he probably scares away most potential hair-touchers).

However with Miss Belane, who has a gorgeous head of curls that BEG to be touched, and who is small enough that she still appears to be a “baby” to most people, I think we are in for trouble.

We had quite a few situations in Ethiopia with people wanting to touch her hair and be in her face, and a few times that that has happened here (although we haven’t taken her a ton of places yet). Since she is shy with strangers, especially when we are out in public, she really hates when people talk to her or touch her. It was harder for me to handle in Ethiopia because I was trying really hard to be polite, plus there was the language barrier.

But here at home, I have found with her that it works pretty well to say, “She is shy and it makes her nervous when people she doesn’t know touch her,” or something like that. People usually get the point.

I have also found that the best way to avoid comments and hair-touchers and all other intruders :) is to just be busy (which with your crew shouldn’t be too hard). There has been a few times that I have seen someone hovering…preparing to comment or start a conversation, and if I busy myself with talking with the kids and keep us moving (if possible) I have been able to avoid it.

If you see a “hair-toucher” coming you can also try to position yourself between that person and your child.

Now a lot of times that someone has started off with a comment or a “hair touch” or something similar, it has turned out to be someone who has adopted or is interested in adopting and we have had some good conversations, so I hate to always be trying to avoid people, but my kids get tired of standing there hearing the same old stuff over and over and it’s just not always practical to have a meaningful conversation with someone in the middle of the grocery store.

If we are at a playground or somewhere that my kids are off playing and I am just sort of watching, then I am a lot more open to conversation.

I do always try to be polite and know that most people mean well, but as always, I would ensure that your kids’ feelings and needs are being put first in however you handle it, and the feelings of “strangers” second. That is something I had to work on… at first I was so worried about being “rude” that I wasn’t putting what my kids heard first…and kids should obviously know that they don’t have to let strangers touch them, just because their hair is beautiful or different.

I would also let your kids sort of "take the lead". If they are bothered by it, I would be more on guard and protective than I would if they don't mind it or enjoy it (one of my sons was just the most gorgeous baby and people couldn't keep their hands off of him anywhere we went...he LOVED it though, and was just a total flirt, so it didn't usually bother me much. Today he doesn't stand still long enough for anyone to touch him!)

You don't want your kids to be totally defensive, but you don't want them to be uncomfortable either.

I try to react to people with the spirit in which they approach us...if someone touches Belane's hair and tells us it is beautiful, I would handle that differently than someone touching it and saying it is "cool" or "wild" or "different" or anything like that. And Tana, to the "is it natural?" questions I know you get, I would just say I don't believe in perming babies' hair. :)

Tana, with your babies being as beautiful as they are, and since you are a transracial family, you are bound to draw attention (as are many of the rest of you). I would have something ready to say, such as “Thank you, but the kids don’t like people they don’t know well touching them” or just “Hands off the babies”:). And I guess if all else fails you could invest in some hats. :)

Anybody else have any advice?