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It is amazing how the word mom means so many different things to different people. I wish life were more simple, but it is not and in fact it seems to be getting more complicated all the time. I choose to write about this subject under the category of Transracial adoption because the fact that we are obviously different does make the “mom title” very important.
Mita especially is confused as to “who” I am and will often say step mom or refer to her Ethiopian mom as her “real” mom. I have to admit that the step mom thing bothered me quite a bit. Not that I am against step parenting, but to me a step mom is someone who chooses to marry a man with children. The first and primary love is to the spouse. Hubby and I had chosen to parent more children through adoption. To me this is simple. To Mita it makes no sense of course because she had no choice in her life when it came to parenting, adoption and so many other events she has lived through. She is also learning a new language, new vocabulary and a new culture. Her words may not carry the same meaning that I hear when she speaks them.
So maybe this title thing has more to do with me than Mita. Maybe seeing “I hate my step mom” written on a bedroom wall bugs me more than I want to admit. Maybe I am not being the grown up in our relationship. Hubby pointed this out to me and I have to admit that I was not pleased to hear this. It did help me break through the next level in my adoptive parenting though. I choose to bring Mita into my life. I know I love her. I want what is best for her. My actions have to show these things, as my words do not mean anything to a child that is grieving as Mita is.
So now when I hear step mom, foster mom, and real mom from my kids, I know they are just words and that the voices saying these words are trying to figure out what is happening to them. Words can hurt for sure, and hearing these words from an adult would very much get a different reaction from me.
My advice to other adoptive moms going through these struggles:
1) Help your child with the definitions simply and lovingly. I let my irritation show and now they know this is mom’s trigger.
2) Don’t take it to heart. You know you are “real” even if your child doesn’t say you are.
3) Remember they are struggling, even if all seems normal. Wording choices can clue you in on where they are at in their grief.
I would love to hear other examples of how parents deal with the definition of mom.
[...] Real Mom, Step Mom, Foster Mom, Adoptive Mom [...]
I hope someday that it will become illegal to use the word ‘real’ and the word ‘mom’ together! LOL
It never fails, but even as a kid when talking to others about adoption, someone would always say: “So who is your real mom?” “Do you know your real mom?” “Does your real mom have brown eyes too?” As a kid it was conflicting, but I guess I hadn’t formed the thoughts or language to say anything.
I still hear it now as an adult when talking about all my family. Except now when asked “who is your real mom?”, I answer “Which one?” and grin, or “I don’t have any fake moms, all of my mothers are real”
I too learned that “real” was a trigger to my parents, and I used it as a weapon in my temporary angry teenager days while saying ‘I bet my real mom would let me blah blah blah, or I bet my real mom would understand, or I bet my real mom would like this guy, or…….’
I’d never say such things as an educated adult.
My daughter, by birth, was a typical angry teen too for a while, and let me know how much she hated me and her Dad and wished she had been adopted like me. huge trigger for me…
It was hard to hear, even tho I knew better, it made me doubt myself as a good mother. I can only imagine how difficult it is to hear as an adopted mom, especially with younger children.
I’ve apologized many times to my parents for being such a mean girl back then!
Hang in there moms, you know better, and so do your kids.
Think of it this way, they feel secure enough and safe enough in your relationship to test you in that ‘real’ way.
I too had the problem of kids asking me about my “real” Mom. Even teachers attempted to involve themselves in making a differentiation between my “real”/biological mother and my Mom when i first talked about being an adopted child in elementary school (they told me that somewhere out there in the world was my “real” Mom, some stranger who loved me deeply and some day i would be reunited with her and that i should also love her… totally inappropriate on my teachers’ parts to introduce that illogical concept).
But growing older, i realized how potent the word “real” really was! And it became increasingly evident that while pretty much anyone could make a baby, it took a lot of courage and love to be a good Mom. My half sister fell victim to the system, and was placed in a home near her drunkard biological father rather than be allowed to be adopted like i was. Things didn’t end well.
So from my own experiences, it seems to me that society really needs to readjust their understanding of parenting altogether! Especially since the idea of “family” itself has changed so much. It’s amazing how powerful words are.