In my last post, I started writing about the topic of when relationships between adoptive parents and birth parents are challenging.

As I said, my husband and I went into the adoption of our two older daughters with the hope that we would be able to create and maintain an ongoing open relationship with their birth mother. However, fairly shortly after placement it started to become clear that contact between the girls and their birth mother was not going to be in their best interest, because of lying, swearing, verbal abuse, manipulation and other issues. When the professionals involved in the situation (counselors and social workers) decided that contact was going to be harmful to the girls instead of beneficial, we made the decision to close the adoption, at least between the girls and their birth mother.

At first it was a fairly easy decision because it was a pretty clear cut decision and situation, and there was no doubt in my mind that we were making the best decision for the girls' emotional well-being. It also was made easier by the fact that right before the decision was made, the girls' birth mother had disappeared. She had moved to a new state and did not leave any contact information.

So we explained to the girls that their birth mother had moved and we did not know where she was, and that for a lot of grown up reasons, we (me, dad, their counselor and the social workers that they knew well) had decided that there wasn't going to be any more contact with their birth mom until they were older (and then it would be up to them if they wanted to, but I made it clear that I would support and help them find her at that time if they so desired.)

The girls were sad at first, especially my older daughter who seemed to have a sense of responsibility of ensuring that her birth mother was o.k. in life, but shortly after that time, I sensed a ton of relief from both girls. It became clear how much the contact had been stressing them out. Although we have always spoken about their birth mother and birth family often, they have not asked to have contact with her since them.

They seem to understand on some levels that she was not a good mother to them, and yet I tell them often that just because someone is not a good parents doesn't always mean that they aren't a good person. We talk about their fond memories of their birth mom and birth family. The girls have always seemed to have a very deep understanding of the situation and have handled it all amazingly well. They remember and love their birth family and at the same time they love us and have bonded with us amazingly well and settled into their new life with us with incredible ease. They are happy, well-adjusted and thriving, which is something that we wondered if they would ever be after their difficult beginning in life and all that they have been through.

It was all going well, and then it got complicated.

Continued in next post...