I have been writing about our relationship with the birth mother of two of our daughters, and the challenges we have faced in trying to do what is best for our girls.

Continued from this post:

Shortly after I responded to the request I got from "an aunt" of the girls, I got a request through the adoption agency for letters from the girls to their birth mother. At this point the staff at the agency had changed, so the lady that called me had very little knowledge of our adoption situation or what had happened in the past. I talked to her in detail about what had happened and that we had decided to close the adoption (with the encouragement of their social workers and counselors). I guess she explained that to the birth mother again, and told her I would continue to send updates and pictures every six months.

A week later the agency called because they had gotten a letter for me, but said that they hesitated to send it because it was "hateful and manipulative". I told them I didn't want it.

And then I vented my frustrations.

I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I felt like my choices were hurt my girls now or hurt my girls later. I know in my heart and my head that not putting them into contact with their birth mom right now is the right thing to do and is the best choice for them. However, I worry about the day that they get older and I have to say that their birth mother wanted to be in touch with them and I didn't let it happen. I know that I can say I was trying to do what is right for them and protect them from emotional abuse, but I worry about being "the bad guy".

The agency was great and understood my concerns, and admitted that it was a unique situation because they did not have many adoptions that involved older children coming directly from birth parents. They got in touch with the social workers that had worked on our placement and tried to help us negotiate the open adoption in the beginning. They got back to me and had a suggestion.

I was told that they all agreed that preventing contact between the girls and their birth mother at this time was in the girls best interest. They stated that it was their job as the adoption agency to act in the best interest of the child. They also felt that it was not in the kids' best interest or that of their family to have me be the "filter" between them and their birth mother. So they decided that they would hold on to any and all correspondence that they received from the birth mom (addressed to the girls, they will still send correspondence sent to me), and would put it into a file until the girls are older and want it.

I thought it was a fabulous idea. I will still have to tell that girls that I didn't believe it was the best thing for them to be in touch with their birth mom when they were younger, but I will have the support of others behind me and their letters will be kept by someone else somewhere safe.

I agreed to continue to send letters and updates every six months. I want the girls' birth mom to know that they are doing well. I want her to know that they are thriving, that they are happy, that they are smart and they are talented. I want her to know that they are loved and cherished and have all that she hoped that they would have (emotionally physically and spiritually). I want her to know that they are healthy. I also want her to know that they remember her and love her and that we don't speak badly about her or encourage the girls to forget her in any way.

I feel good about it... I feel like we have made the right decision... but gosh it has been difficult.

Continued in next post.