If you have ever been a part of an adoption email list, there is little doubt that you have heard woman complain about their “reluctant husbands” in regards to adoption. I have even heard some people give it an official name…one lady announced that her hubby was suffering from R.H.S., Reluctant Husband Syndrome.

And while it does sound really funny, I think it has to be more than just coincidence that in many, if not most adoptions, it is the wife that “knows” before the husband. Now I have heard of a good amount of families where both parents were ready at the same time and both were equally eager to adopt from the get-go, and I have even heard of a few rare cases where the husband wanted to adopt and the wife needed some convincing. But, there does seem to be an overwhelming amount of situations where the wife is ready to go and the husband needs some convincing, or at least some time to get used to the idea.

So what is up with R.H.S.? Obviously, with nine kids, six that have joined us through adoption, I can’t claim to have much of a reluctant husband. But, in three out of our five adoptions, I knew it was right before Josh did. Each time it took him a while to think about it, pray about it, mull it over, etc. before he decided that yes, another child was the right thing for our family.

I don’t think that this means that husbands who suffer from R.H.S. are any less loving or that they don’t really want to adopt. I think that a lot of guys just take a little bit longer to get used to the idea of big change. And of course adoption involves risk and money, which can make it a difficult “logical” decision to make.

In our home, my husband works full time while I am with our family full time. He is an incredibly loving, involved and devoted father and husband. And yet as “the mom”, it seems logical to me that I would be more in tune with our children, our family and when it might be right to expand. But at the same time I would never, and have never, made any decisions regarding our family without Josh. We are equal partners in our marriage. There have been two occasions when I thought that a particular child was “right” for our family, and after taking time to think, pray and talk about it, Josh came back to me and said that he just didn’t think it was the right thing. And each time he was right, and a short time later we found “our” child.

I should say too that even the times when it took Josh a little bit longer to be ready to adopt again, once he decided that we should proceed, he was every bit as excited, involved, anxious and happy as I was.

So to all the women who write me and ask what to do when they know that adoption is right for their family but their husband doesn’t feel the same, my advice is two-fold. First off, no adoption should ever happen unless both parents are fully on board, and both equally have the sincere desire to love, parent and raise another child. And yet I would also advise that just because your husband’s first reaction wasn’t “let’s do it”, don’t give up hope. I could not even count the number of families I know who started off with a reluctant husband and ended up with a happy adoptive father.