It seems that there are lots of posts on the sadness and more difficult aspects of adoption today on the other blogs, so I thought that I would add my spin.

I have talked before on how in a perfect world, adoption would not exist. Adoption exists because of sad realities. An unplanned pregnancy causes a birth mother to have to make an adoption plan for her child. The illness and death of parents leaves a child an orphan. Extreme poverty leaves a family literally unable to feed and care for another child. Social stigmas make it extremely difficult for an unwed mother to parent her child, or for a family to have another child. Children are removed from their family because of abuse and neglect. A child is placed for adoption because of medical conditions that the birth family is unable or unwilling to care for.

None of these situations would occur in a perfect world, and each one is a story involving loss, sadness, grief, etc. for all parties involved. All of my children that have joined our family from adoption have their own history that is heart breaking for me to step back and look at.

No two adoption stories are exactly the same, but each one starts with loss of some kind.

Some adoptive parents struggle with the fact that if it wasn’t for the sad realities, that their children would not be their children. And yet we need to look at the whole story. The sad realities I mentioned above are truly tragic, and yet would be that much more tragic if that was the end of the story. If children being left as orphans, separated from their birth families, was the end of the story, the tragedy would be exponentially multiplied.

But in this imperfect world in which we live, parents who can not have children and families who desire to expand their families beyond their biological children have been able to change the ending of the story for many. Adoption is not perfect. Sadly, there is corruption. People take advantage of the emotions involved in adoption for money. Children who join their families through adoption have issues to deal with that would not exist if they had been raised in their birth families. Birth parents suffer a loss only they can truly understand. And yet, much good comes from adoption as well.

When we read about adoption it seems that there are lots views on the happiness of adoption and how wonderful it is, and lots of views on all that is wrong with adoption, and yet the reality is that it is not one or the other.

Adoption is complex. It is happiness and sadness, sufferings and blessings, loss and gain, all wrapped up into one. It is not perfect and perhaps someday, somewhere, in a perfect world, there will be no need for it. And yet as I reflect on the lives of my children and the circumstances that brought us together as a family, I know that adoption was the best solution to their situations.

While we were in Ethiopia last month, we met our son’s biological grandmother. This family had suffered the loss of both of our son’s parents to an unknown illness. The family was living in poverty. They loved this little boy desperately and yet with the death of his parents, they were left unable to care for him. They said tearful goodbyes and left him at an orphanage with the hope that he would find a better life, but worried that a family would not choose an older boy. We decided to meet the family while we were in Africa. We had the agency find them, and we went to their town with our son, their grandson, so that they could see for themselves who would be raising him and know he would be loved. It was heart breaking to watch them say goodbye to him yet again, but the grandmother did not cry. She explained that the sadness for her was when her grandson was an orphan and had no future. Now that he was again with loving parents and would have many opportunities in life, she was filled with joy. It was loss and gain, sadness and joy, all rolled into one.

So I do what all adoptive parents should do. I do the best that I can do. I do my best to honor the birth families, both here in the U.S. and far away, that suffered the losses that they did. I do my best to honor the losses that my children have faced… the loss of their birth families, the loss of their birth cultures, etc. And I do my best to be the best parent I can be, so that adoption may truly be a happy ending for my children.