Sharing Belane’s story

In my last two posts, I discussed choosing how to share your child’s story, and who to share with (or not).

Belane’s adoption and this blog created a very unique situation.

While most people have been very supportive, I have taken some criticism for being so open about her HIV status. It was not a decision that we made lightly…it is not even a decision I am 100% sure was the right choice…but it is the decision we made after a lot of thought, discussion and prayer, and the choice that I truly believe was right.

For one, I knew once we announced that we were adopting again, that many people would be able to figure out which child we were adopting, unless I flat out lied. Before I realized that actually adopting Belane was something we might do, I wrote about my feelings for her when we came home from Ethiopia and how much she impacted me. It was such a big part of my experience in Ethiopia that to truly share my story, I had to tell that part.

At that point blogging was new to me, and I didn’t even realize how many people were reading along, and were paying attention. I wrote about Belane mostly for myself.

I didn’t mention her by name…she was just “a toddler girl at AHOPE” but after all the responses I got from that post, I was pretty sure that if I announced we were adopting a toddler girl from Ethiopia that many people would put two and two together. (And by the number of people that emailed me and said, “I knew it! I knew you would adopt her!” after I did make my announcement, I am pretty sure I was right about that.)

If I didn’t give details, I knew people would ask what agency we were using…what orphanage she was at…how we found out about her…how we got a referral for a toddler girl so quickly…why it was taking so long after our court date to get her home. Ask my kids and they can tell you that lying bothers me more than anything…I just did not feel comfortable about lying.

I could have been very evasive with the information…some people would have assumed we were adopting Belane…others would have assumed other things…

I did not want to use Belane, or make an example out of her, and yet I felt strongly that by sharing our story, others would consider adopting a child from AHOPE. By the number of private emails I have received, I now know that this was also true.

I tried to imagine how Belane would feel down the road…if I didn’t tell a soul about her HIV status, would she feel ashamed of her disease? Would she think we were ashamed of her disease and where she came from? How would she be able to share with people in her life, if we didn’t set that example? Would she regard her HIV as this big awful secret? Would she worry that people wouldn’t accept her if they knew the truth?

If I was open about her HIV status…would she resent that we were open with people? Would she wish people didn’t know? Would she be upset and angry with me?

I wanted my actions now, and throughout her life, to send her the right message about her HIV.

I decided that we would not broadcast the fact that she is HIV positive here in real life in small town USA. Here, people don’t know the difference between CHSFS and AAI…they have no idea how long is a normal wait for a referral or wait to travel…they don’t even know what AHOPE is. So I can say we are going back to Ethiopia to adopt a little girl that we fell in love with, and they smile, and say how nice that is.

We decided we would be open with our family and very close friends in “real life” and that I would be open on my blog with “adoption land”.

Now I am not naïve enough to think that “adoption land” and real life don’t ever cross paths…I am well aware that they do. Even though I don’t include my last name or where we live…people figure things out. Even here in small town USA, it is always possible someone could stumble across my blog (although truth be told we live in a place where a lot of people don’t even know what a blog is!!). But I decided that anyone who found out about Belane’s HIV status on my blog, would also have the benefit of all of the information regarding HIV that I have shared on here. It is not possible to educate everyone on the realities and myths of HIV, but I have tried to educate some.

There are people in the world that will treat Belane differently because of her HIV…just as there are people in the world that will treat some of my children differently because of their race. It is something we will have to prepare for, no matter how we handle things.

But I must say that we have been very pleasantly surprised with the reactions of people thus far. Although most people are not very educated about HIV, we have yet to tell someone about Belane that was not willing to learn and educate themselves. We have gotten a wonderful amount of support from those around us in real life and in adoption land.

When Belane is older and struggles with her HIV status, she will know that her Dad and myself tried to protect her privacy, while at the same time, were not ashamed of her HIV status. We can tell her and show her how we shared with those around us that it is not something that needs to be feared or shunned or ashamed of.

She will know that we announced her adoption proudly and excitedly. She will know that we saw her as a beautiful little girl, and not just a disease. She will know that we kept many details about her early life private. She will know that the family and friends that welcomed her home knew about her HIV and did not care. She will know that we were open and accepting and optimistic about her HIV. She will know that we chose not to tell some people in an attempt to make life a little easier for her. She will know we made the choices we made out of love.

I am printing and saving (thanks Auntie!!!!) this blog as I go, and I will also be able to show her all of the comments from all of you…my online friends and support…and how excited and accepting you were of us adopting her.

In the end, when I imagined myself talking to teenager Belane, I felt a whole lot better inside about treating her HIV status matter-of-factly…as something that we don’t broadcast to the world, but also as something that is not a shameful secret…than I did about keeping her HIV something that we did not tell a soul.

I believe knowledge is power. I believe that the more people that hear about HIV children getting adopted and the more HIV positive children that are adopted, the less of a “big deal” it will be. The more people that learn that they can’t contract HIV through casual contact, the less afraid people will needlessly be. Keeping silent and keeping secrets felt a lot like perpetuating the stigma to me.

I hope I have made the right choices and found the right balance. I hope that I will be able to protect my daughter, instill in her a positive self-esteem and even in just a small way, help change the way people view HIV, HIV+ children and HIV+ adoption.

So, as with so many other things…how you share your child’s story, and what parts of your child’s story you choose to share, are very personal decisions. What is right for each family will vary greatly, and as is the case with so many aspects of parenting, we need to educate ourselves and make the best choices we can out of love, and hope we chose right.

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