Over on the birth/first parents blog there was a recent post by Maja, called “Sinners or Saints?”

In this post Maja talks about how birth parents are often depicted as either sinners or saints for their decisions and the fact that they made an adoption plan for their child.

I have to say that when I was reading this it made me think that it is often the same for us adoptive parents! I get very tired of both strains of thinking, to be perfectly honest.

I cannot count the times that we have been out in public with our family and someone we didn’t know starts asking about our family and once realizing that yes, they are all my kids, and yes, we did adopt most of them, they conclude with, “Well, you must be a saint.” I know that people mean well and are trying to say something nice, but the truth is, it just isn’t true!

I am not a saint, I don’t strive to be a saint, I never claimed to be a saint, and I certainly don’t ever want my kids to think that they joined our family because I was trying to better myself or make myself look good or that they were some sort of charity. So although I appreciate that people are trying to pay me a compliment with the “saint” thing, it does make me cringe. I am a mom. A mom with a family that looks different than most, and is a tad bit larger than most, but I am still just a mom. I have good days and bad and make mistakes like everyone else. I have my family because I love them and I believe that is what is right for us. Sainthood is just not a part of the picture.

On the flip side, the “sinners” mentality is just as irritating. Many people don’t understand our motivations to have the family that we do and seem to feel better about it by making me feel badly about myself or questioning my motives. I have been accused of being irresponsible, called “crazy”, told that there must be something wrong with me, and been made to feel badly in a hundred other ways by both people I know well and some that we don’t, for having a large transracial family. Well, I am not crazy, I am more responsible than most people I know, I promise that there is nothing wrong with me (except maybe 20 extra pounds I should lose), and I am extremely happy with my family and wish everyone could be.

I just don’t understand the need for people to pass judgment on those that do things differently than them. I would never judge someone who had no children or “only” one or two children for making choices different than mine.

So, I am another one who doesn’t want to be in either the saint or the sinner category. My choices and my life might be different from others, but I am just a regular person like everybody else.