Tonight I had a good discussion with my 11 year-old black daughter about race and racism. Like many conversations about adoption, race, birth parents, and other “deep” and important conversations that parents and children have, it was not planned by me, but brought up by her. While we do have conversations on these topics that I start, I have found that our best talks come when the kids have something on their mind and are in the mood to talk about it. I try to keep an “always open” attitude with them, so that they always know that they can talk to me about anything. Sometimes it is friends, sometimes it is birth families, sometimes it is Yu Gi Oh cards or Bratz dolls, and sometimes it is racism.

Tonight Mercy was watching “That’s So Raven”, a TV show on Disney channel starring a black teenager. My kids love the show and watch it often. Tonight the show’s story line involved Raven trying to get a job, and the store refusing to hire her (and hiring her less-qualified white friend instead) because Raven was black.

So Mercy came into the kitchen where I was cleaning up and wanting to talk about it. We talked about “why” some people act like that and think like that, and agreed it was awful, horrible, disgusting, hurtful, etc. We talked about how Raven handled it and how Mercy could handle a similar situation. We talked about how God made all people equal in his eyes and how that is how we should see each other.

After a moment of quiet, she said, “Mom, I sure am glad we live in a place where people don’t act like that.” I was quick to point out that there are racists (ok, I might have called them idiots) everywhere and that no place was completely racism-free, but then also quickly told her that I was really glad that she felt that way about where we live. I didn’t want to shoot down her happy outlook on where we live, and yet I also wanted her to know that there are racists everywhere. I asked her if she has ever had an experience here (she has lived here for two years) where she felt that someone was treating her differently because she was black and she said she hadn’t. We talked about church, school, Tae Kwon Do, basketball, neighbors, shopping, etc. and she really could not think of any time that she felt she had been treated badly or differently because of her skin color, besides people asking questions about her hair (and those don’t really bother her at this point…she has great hair!). She said she had had experiences with racism where she used to live in Mississippi though and we talked about how that felt, etc.

There was a lot more said, but the bottom line for me was that at the end of it I felt pretty good. I was glad that she came to me right away and wanted to talk about it when it was on her mind because I know how important open communication is. I felt prepared for the conversation with all of the research and preparation I have done on the topic and thought we had had a good and open and sincere talk. I was also glad that despite the fact that we live in a place that does not have an overwhelming amount of diversity, that she feels accepted and equal to her peers and is happy and thriving where we live.

My advice for today is to make race and racism something that you feel comfortable talking about with your children, not just once, but on an on-going basis, so that they know that they can come to you. Today our talk was prompted by a TV show, but I know the day will come when they are prompted by reality and the pain of racism directly affecting my little girl.