Waiting…yuck. Waiting is an inevitable aspect of adoption, and one that is usually fairly stressful for adoptive parents. You wait on agencies to get things done, you wait on education and preparation classes, you wait on paperwork, you wait on government offices, you wait on medical tests, you wait for a referral, you wait for more information, you wait to be united with your child, you wait and wait and wait some more.

Even when everything goes smoothly, you are bound to run into some level of waiting with your adoption, because adoption is a process, which by nature, is not a quick one. Occasionally you hear about a domestic situation in which there is very little waiting involved with an adoption, but those situations are not the norm, and those people should consider themselves lucky indeed.

Most people start the process and then find the waiting period to be matched with a child (or a birth mother) to be really difficult. At this point you have completed piles of paperwork and are READY to have a real child, a real face, to focus on. At this point you want it to feel real. You want to know that there is an actual child out there that is going to be yours. You want to see his or her face and show off that photo to everyone from family to friends to the UPS man. Somehow having a name and a face and a photograph to celebrate makes the process real and exciting and worth all the hassle.

So yes, waiting for a referral is difficult. Many parents are anxious during this time and complain how difficult the wait is, and are sure it is the hardest part of the process.

Well, let me tell you, it’s not. Once you get that referral, and have that name and face and photograph to celebrate you have about 24-48 hours of euphoria. And then, when you are completely in love with this child that is yours in your heart, something awful happens. The realization that you have to wait some more smacks you in the side of the head. And this time, the wait is worse. This time, your heart aches in a way that is completely unique to having a child on the other side of the world. You worry about whether she is healthy. You worry about whether someone is picking him up when he cries. You worry about her being fed enough. You worry about him being warm enough. You worry about development, weight gain, health, bonding, attachment and on and on. You want nothing more than to jump on a plane to wherever your child might be and hold your child in your arms, and yet you have to WAIT. Yup, it is nothing short of torture.

During this wait you can prepare your child’s room and clothes, join email groups to network with other parents, read books on attachment and bonding, make travel plans if you are traveling, etc. Being busy can definitely help some. I also recommend keeping on top of whatever powers that be that are in control of your process and hence, your wait, if it is at all possible.

The only good thing to say about the wait is that it comes to an end. Whether your wait is short or long or ridiculously long, sooner or later it is over, and that magical day when your child is placed in your arms happens. And then (even though if you are currently waiting you will never believe me), much like when you are in labor, as soon as that child is with you for a short while, the pain of the wait disappears, and becomes a distant memory. It becomes part of your story and your child’s story…a part that you are glad to have behind you.

So to all of you that are waiting…in whatever part of the process you may be in, I say to you hang in there. It is hard now, but it will be more than worth it in the end.