e-mail
One of the most difficult aspects of our adoptions for me is all of the children left behind. They weigh heavily on my heart and my mind…some days more than others.
It sounds cliché to say that it is life-changing to go to Ethiopia or another country stricken by disease and extreme poverty…but it is.
To stand in an orphanage full of children, and to really look into their eyes, and hold them in your arms, is indescribable. Being at AHOPE was tougher than the other orphanages we visited, because only a very few of the children had ever been adopted, and only a small handful were in process of being adopted. I think about those little boys, slipping their hands into mine and smiling hopefully… I think about those little girls, hugging my leg and asking to be held. I think about the older kids who didn’t bother…
There are days that it is just really hard to think about all of them growing up without a family…without a mom to kiss their boo-boos, or a dad to wrestle with…without hugs and kisses at bedtime or someone to cuddle…without unconditional love and the support and encouragement that only a parent can provide…without somewhere to belong and someone to belong to.
It’s these thoughts that challenge our decision to be “done” with our family. I hear about special needs kids and older kids that need a family and think, “We could do it.” We sponsor a little boy at AHOPE…he is cute and darling and sweet…I look at him and think, “why not?” Why would we draw the line at you? Why aren’t we willing to stretch ourselves for you?
But then I count heads and balance the check book and know that realistically, we are done. I know that if we adopted this sponsor child that another would take his place. And then another, and then another. I know that we can’t “save the world” or adopt them all. And I know that guilt and sadness aren’t the right reasons to adopt a child. I know that all of the kids we have chosen to adopt are here because we felt strongly that they were ours and belonged with us.
So I try my best to advocate and educate for those left behind.
I try to get people to see that a transracial family…while it certainly has its challenges…is better than no family at all.
I try to get people to see that special needs kids are just as perfect as “healthy” kids.
I try to get people to see that older kids need homes too…and can be just as cuddly, wonderful and rewarding and have as many “firsts” as a baby.
I try to advocate for adoption, when done ethically, as a wonderful way to build or expand a family.
I try to draw attention to the children…the very many children, who are waiting for someone to love them.
Some days, it doesn’t feel like enough.
I want you to know you ARE making a difference. After I started reading your blog I asked for There Is No Me Without You for Christmas and I read it cover to cover in one day. It has changed my life, the way I see the world, and the way I am going to live from now on. My husband and I wilol sponsor an Ethiopian child through AHOPE this year. We are waiting for our daughter to come home (S. Korea…c’mon travel call) but I know in my heart that our family is not complete, and when we are ready to adopt again we will be looking into Ethiopia, for a toddler or sibling group. So thank you for opening my eyes by sharing your story.
By the way, I am passing the book around, and so far each person I’ve given it to has felt their life changed as well. It may be grassroots, but it is a movement.
And, sarajean, aren’t grassroots movements usually the most successful?
I agree, Erin, you are making a difference. My family might not be cut out for adopting internationally, but your writing has changed the way I view many things, but family size in particular – I always wanted a big family, but put that thought aside as totally unrealistic. Just yesterday, however, here I sat at work looking at 12 and 15 passenger vans, when we’re currently a family of 5.
So, here’s one more who can tell you that your life and the decisions you and Josh make stir up feelings, desires, dreams that just may become real. That is, if we can get over the reluctant-husband-syndrome. : )
Of course, I’ve done it twice before. (The first time, when we adopted our daughter – no, there’s no way we want to move 400 miles with 2 under 2, and that’s what we did; the second time, when we adopted our second son – we were “done” with kids, with a boy and a girl; why mess up a good thing?)
I have tears in my eyes – you are so right. Ever since I left that Vlore orphanage in 1991 – a piece of my heart has been with the children left behind. I believe families seeing families built out of love – may light a spark for those who never explored international adoption. And I’m thankful for the internet – to help families explore this option and hear first hand the beauty of families united this way.
What do you mean “better than no family at all?” Give yourselves some credit: you have an awesome family! All of your family members must be so proud of each other, and I think it is simply wonderful how you have come together. You’re so much more than “better than” the alternative.
Also, you have touched so many people by your willingness to share about your family. Even when you are done, the ripples you have made will keep going.
Erin,
The impact you are having is only in it’s early stages – I doubt you know how far reaching it could become. You are a wonderful advocate for these dear children, and many of us are grateful to you.
Many blessings on you and your family.
Lisa
This was a great post. It is tough thinking of all the children left behind. Your family is amazing!
Thanks everybody for the comments. I really appreciate all you had to say. I didn’t write this post to be a “tell me how great I am” thing in any way, although it is really touching to hear some of you say you think I am making some difference.
Hugs,
E