It never fails. You are out in public with your family, minding your own business, and someone starts eyeing your family. If you’re experienced, you can see them coming a mile away. More often than not the stranger approaches and with very little tact demands to know, “Are these kids yours?” or “Did you adopt these children?” or “Which ones are your REAL kids?” If you are first time adoptive parent of a child of another culture, people’s boldness may come as a surprise, or even a shock. I would never walk up to a couple I didn’t know if they were on their first marriage or any other personal question, but for some reason, when your family is visibly different than the majority, lots of people feel that gives them the right to be nosy.

So how do you deal?? There are several strategies or schools of thought on this, and everyone needs to decide what works best with their family situation and personality, But for sure, it is wise to have a plan, so you aren’t caught off guard.

So hear are some options. From talking with lots of other adoptive parents, it seems like you can choose to respond by using humor, to end the conversation as quickly as possible, to reciprocate the rudeness or to educate the individual asking the questions. I think that how you respond has a lot to do with how old your children are, what situation you are in when being questioned and who the individual is asking questions (and the nature of their questions).

For example, if I am in a store with my children (who range in age from almost 11 to 2 years old) and someone asks me about them, my strategy is to ALWAYS give the answer that I want my children to hear. So if someone asks me which ones are my “real” children, I respond that they all are. I often get funny looks, and sometimes a “you know what I mean”, but there is no way I am going to point at my children and label them “really mine” and “not really mine”. If I was somewhere without my kids and someone asked the same question I might reply that we had three biological boys, but when my kids are listening, what they hear is more important than anything else.

Since I have a lot of children, we also hear, “You have your hands full” and similar statements often. I always reply with something along the lines of, “I am very blessed” or “there is nothing I would rather be doing” because that is what I want my kids to know. They are not burdens, they are blessings.

And to the infamous “what happened to their real mom?” I always answer with “I am right here.”

If someone asks me questions and tells me that they are adopting or interested in adopting, I am a lot more open. I had one adoptive mom tell me that she kept business cards in her purse with her agency’s information on it and gave them out to people interested in adoption. I have given out my phone number to people who really were interested in adoption, so we could have a better conversation than we would have in a check out line at Walmart.

If someone comes across rudely to me or asks something in appropriate, I have learned how easy it is to say, “That’s a private question.” Just because someone is bold enough to ask a rude question, doesn’t mean we have to answer them. Another thing I’ve used is answering the question with a question. Replying with “Why do you ask?” often makes people realize their question might be rude, or gives them the chance to say that they are adopting or considering adopting, in which case I would be a lot more open. Using “that is private” is a great way to end the conversation quickly without being rude.

I am not big on using rudeness or humor, but I have heard from several people that have successfully. One of the classics is a friend that has an Asian daughter. A male clerk at the grocery store asked if the baby was adopted, and she replied with, “No, I had an affair with the Chinese delivery man.” OBVIOUSLY I wouldn’t recommend this with an older child around and it certainly isn’t my style, but I would have loved to see the guy’s face that was asking. ;)

I do try to educate when possible by using positive adoption language. If I am asked ‘Why did his mom give him away?” I will respond with “his mom made an adoption plan for him because she was unable to care for him.” Or if I get the dreaded, “Which ones are your real kids?” I can use the words adopted and biological. And to the “real mom” question, I can say that,” I am their real mom. Their biological mom was unable to care for them.” I do think that a lot of people don’t mean to be rude, they just don’t know any better.

Anyway, here are just a few suggestions. My best friend has a book that she really loves that addresses a lot of these things, as well as how to answer questions of family, friends and classmates. The name of the book is Cross-Cultural Adoption and it was written by Amy Coughlin and Caryn Abramowitz. Remember to check out the adopt shop at AdoptionShop.com for lots of great books. J

Ok, so here’s what I want you to do. Send me your best response to someone’s nosy question. I’d love to know what works for you. I will compile a list of responses from real parents and post it soon. Leave it as a comment or send me an email. I have learned that while books are great, the best advice comes from other parents. I can’t wait to hear what you all have to say.