Comments on: Those pesky and rude questions http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions Blog focused on issues related to transracial adoption, the adoption process, being a transracial/multi racial family and many resources for families adopting transracially. Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:45:49 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Susan http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-676 Susan Thu, 02 Mar 2006 15:26:51 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-676 Our organization (www.pactadopt.org) also uses a workbook for kids, for when THEY get pesky and rude questions. It's called WISE-UP and I can't remember what all the letters stand for, but some instances call for "Walking away," when the question is really more of an insult; and then "It's private," for when they don't want to say more, and "Share," and "Educate." It's really a good thing for kids but adults could use the same strategies. Not all questions even deserve an answer.<br /> <br /> http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0971173206/103-9092290-2084653?v=glance&n=283155 Our organization (www.pactadopt.org) also uses a workbook for kids, for when THEY get pesky and rude questions. It’s called WISE-UP and I can’t remember what all the letters stand for, but some instances call for “Walking away,” when the question is really more of an insult; and then “It’s private,” for when they don’t want to say more, and “Share,” and “Educate.” It’s really a good thing for kids but adults could use the same strategies. Not all questions even deserve an answer.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0971173206/103-9092290-2084653?v=glance&n=283155

]]> By: Erin H http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-675 Erin H Wed, 01 Mar 2006 23:35:15 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-675 In repsonse to Susan's comment on the birthmother also being "the real mom", here is what I emailed her...<br /> Thanks Susan, and this is a great point. This is tricky for us though<br /> because one of our children's birth mothers has died, two of our girls<br /> came from a very abusive birth mother, two of our kids we don't know<br /> anything at all about their birth mothers and one of them we have a very<br /> open relationship.<br /> <br /> So when we are asked "where is his real mom?" I can't really say that my<br /> one son has two real mothers because his birth mother is dead (and that's not information I usually feel lke blurting out in front of him to strangers), and I don't<br /> feel good about saying that my two daughters have another "real" mom<br /> (especially in front of them) because she treated them so horribly, that<br /> while she may always be their birth mother, she doesn't deserve the title<br /> of "mom" (in my not so humble opinion). We still absolutely recognize her as the girls' birth mother, and especially around the girls I try to say things like, "Just because she wasn't a good mother to you doesn't mean she isn't a good person" when they are talking about the way she treated them.<br /> <br /> I completely agree that my children's birth mothers are just as "real" as I am, but it is not cut and dry with our family on how we could explain it simply.<br /> <br /> In our open adoption I definitely like your comment and with our two<br /> daughters whose birthmothers are unknown it would definitely work too. I think a lot of adoptive parents tend to be defensive with this question because most people automatically credit a birthmother with being the "real" mom, and imply that the adoptive parents are something less.<br /> Thanks for the input!!! I will add it to the list. :)<br /> Thanks for everyone else's great comments too!<br /> In repsonse to Susan’s comment on the birthmother also being “the real mom”, here is what I emailed her…
Thanks Susan, and this is a great point. This is tricky for us though
because one of our children’s birth mothers has died, two of our girls
came from a very abusive birth mother, two of our kids we don’t know
anything at all about their birth mothers and one of them we have a very
open relationship.

So when we are asked “where is his real mom?” I can’t really say that my
one son has two real mothers because his birth mother is dead (and that’s not information I usually feel lke blurting out in front of him to strangers), and I don’t
feel good about saying that my two daughters have another “real” mom
(especially in front of them) because she treated them so horribly, that
while she may always be their birth mother, she doesn’t deserve the title
of “mom” (in my not so humble opinion). We still absolutely recognize her as the girls’ birth mother, and especially around the girls I try to say things like, “Just because she wasn’t a good mother to you doesn’t mean she isn’t a good person” when they are talking about the way she treated them.

I completely agree that my children’s birth mothers are just as “real” as I am, but it is not cut and dry with our family on how we could explain it simply.

In our open adoption I definitely like your comment and with our two
daughters whose birthmothers are unknown it would definitely work too. I think a lot of adoptive parents tend to be defensive with this question because most people automatically credit a birthmother with being the “real” mom, and imply that the adoptive parents are something less.
Thanks for the input!!! I will add it to the list. :)
Thanks for everyone else’s great comments too!

]]> By: Ally http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-674 Ally Wed, 01 Mar 2006 23:27:33 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-674 When my 3 middle kids were little, 4, 2.5, and 1, I used to shop with them all together in the cart. The 4 yr old is black, the 2 yr old is white, and the 1 yr old is Asian. Once when asked if I was a daycare provider, I replied "no, they just have different fathers!" Boy did that shut them up! If it make any of you feel any better, the questions really don't happen any more now that they are teenagers. But it might make for some interesting conversations if they did! Teenagers can be quite bold and rude right back! When my 3 middle kids were little, 4, 2.5, and 1, I used to shop with them all together in the cart. The 4 yr old is black, the 2 yr old is white, and the 1 yr old is Asian. Once when asked if I was a daycare provider, I replied “no, they just have different fathers!” Boy did that shut them up! If it make any of you feel any better, the questions really don’t happen any more now that they are teenagers. But it might make for some interesting conversations if they did! Teenagers can be quite bold and rude right back!

]]> By: Rebecca http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-673 Rebecca Wed, 01 Mar 2006 22:06:43 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-673 I totally agree w/ the comment about the birthmom being the real mom too. We both play a very important part in our chid's life. Trying to make one or the other the "real" mom is just walking backwards. I loved your response.<br /> <br /> Occasionally I will get someone who askes me if my husband is black (always white people, most black people assume he is full AA) and I have, on occasion, given this answer "NO! You can imagine how suprised I was when he was born!!". This is only when I don't have my daughter with me and usuallly if it is the 5th time that day. I just like to shake it up a bit. I usually try to use it as a teaching too. I love how Erin said that she always says what her children need to hear. That is great advice. Sometimes being rude to people is NOT what your kids need to see as a way to resolve conflict. I totally agree w/ the comment about the birthmom being the real mom too. We both play a very important part in our chid’s life. Trying to make one or the other the “real” mom is just walking backwards. I loved your response.

Occasionally I will get someone who askes me if my husband is black (always white people, most black people assume he is full AA) and I have, on occasion, given this answer “NO! You can imagine how suprised I was when he was born!!”. This is only when I don’t have my daughter with me and usuallly if it is the 5th time that day. I just like to shake it up a bit. I usually try to use it as a teaching too. I love how Erin said that she always says what her children need to hear. That is great advice. Sometimes being rude to people is NOT what your kids need to see as a way to resolve conflict.

]]> By: L. Anderson http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-672 L. Anderson Wed, 01 Mar 2006 04:44:20 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-672 To the question of "Are you their real mom?" I always say, "Well, yes! I'm not pretend!"<br /> <br /> I think the dumbest comment ever made was from a woman who had followed me around the store and when she finally got the nerve up to talk to me, she first asked if my daughter was adopted and then when I told her that she was, she then asked, "Well, are you going to tell her she's adopted?" My response was, "No, we thought we'd just tell her she cooked a little too long." To the question of “Are you their real mom?” I always say, “Well, yes! I’m not pretend!”

I think the dumbest comment ever made was from a woman who had followed me around the store and when she finally got the nerve up to talk to me, she first asked if my daughter was adopted and then when I told her that she was, she then asked, “Well, are you going to tell her she’s adopted?” My response was, “No, we thought we’d just tell her she cooked a little too long.”

]]> By: Sandra Hanks Benoiton http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-671 Sandra Hanks Benoiton Wed, 01 Mar 2006 03:17:35 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-671 This is great. I'm looking forward to reading the comments you get. This is great. I’m looking forward to reading the comments you get.

]]> By: Susan http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-670 Susan Wed, 01 Mar 2006 01:37:42 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-670 As to the "real mom" question, I think another answer to that is, "He has two real moms: his birthmother and his adoptive mom. I am his adoptive mom."<br /> <br /> I don't think birthparents are any less "real" than adoptive parents. They're ALL real. As to the “real mom” question, I think another answer to that is, “He has two real moms: his birthmother and his adoptive mom. I am his adoptive mom.”

I don’t think birthparents are any less “real” than adoptive parents. They’re ALL real.

]]> By: bek http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-669 bek Wed, 01 Mar 2006 01:02:57 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-669 Oh, one more thing. Don't you find that people ask the silly and intrusive questions b/c they think it is better then just saying "is he adopted?". I get "is your husband black?" "are you his real mom" etc. What they really want to know is if he is adopted. Personally, I find that direct question much less offensive. :-) Oh, one more thing. Don’t you find that people ask the silly and intrusive questions b/c they think it is better then just saying “is he adopted?”. I get “is your husband black?” “are you his real mom” etc. What they really want to know is if he is adopted. Personally, I find that direct question much less offensive. :-)

]]> By: Bek http://transracial.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/those-pesky-and-rude-questions/comment-page-1#comment-668 Bek Wed, 01 Mar 2006 01:01:27 +0000 http://transracial.www.adoptionblogs.com/2006/02/28/those-pesky-and-rude-questions#comment-668 It is always at Walmart that this happens to me too! My son is very small so right now I do give more info and use it as a teaching moment more then I would if he were old enough to understand me. Also, you CAN see them a mile away. Here is a funny thing that happened to us last week.<br /> <br /> We were with my sister and my kids at a resturant by Disneyland. The kids were done eating and being silly and we were getting ready to go. A woman had been watching me for a while and as we passed her she asked "is that your son?". I said "yes" and then kept going. I told my husband that you can often tell WHY folks are asking. If they keep asking rude questions it is because they are a bit clueless, but there are some that leave it at that and you can kind of tell that they have some experience. Either they have adopted transracially, they know someone who has, etc. They just are curious and then leave it at that. I commented that the woman seemed like one of those. We dropped the kids off at the hotel and then ran to Target. We see the same woman. She came up to us and said "I just had to ask, my two kids are adopted..one Korean and one from Guam...I just love seeing families like ours". She told us that she didn't want to get into a big talk but was just curious and hoped we didn't mind her asking.<br /> <br /> HA! My husband was stunned that I was right. Those that have done it get a better idea of what you put up with so they don't make a big deal out of it. <br /> <br /> On my blog we did a similar thing. We got some GREAT anwers. I will e mail them to you. I tend to use humor, but that is b/c he is little. I am still deciding how to handle it when he is older. I find that the "why do you ask?" question with a big smile works. I often get asked if I am a foster mother and I always answer "no, why?". :-) It is always at Walmart that this happens to me too! My son is very small so right now I do give more info and use it as a teaching moment more then I would if he were old enough to understand me. Also, you CAN see them a mile away. Here is a funny thing that happened to us last week.

We were with my sister and my kids at a resturant by Disneyland. The kids were done eating and being silly and we were getting ready to go. A woman had been watching me for a while and as we passed her she asked “is that your son?”. I said “yes” and then kept going. I told my husband that you can often tell WHY folks are asking. If they keep asking rude questions it is because they are a bit clueless, but there are some that leave it at that and you can kind of tell that they have some experience. Either they have adopted transracially, they know someone who has, etc. They just are curious and then leave it at that. I commented that the woman seemed like one of those. We dropped the kids off at the hotel and then ran to Target. We see the same woman. She came up to us and said “I just had to ask, my two kids are adopted..one Korean and one from Guam…I just love seeing families like ours”. She told us that she didn’t want to get into a big talk but was just curious and hoped we didn’t mind her asking.

HA! My husband was stunned that I was right. Those that have done it get a better idea of what you put up with so they don’t make a big deal out of it.

On my blog we did a similar thing. We got some GREAT anwers. I will e mail them to you. I tend to use humor, but that is b/c he is little. I am still deciding how to handle it when he is older. I find that the “why do you ask?” question with a big smile works. I often get asked if I am a foster mother and I always answer “no, why?”. :-)

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