(continued from previous posts on Toddler Adoption)

Grieving- Be prepared for your toddler to grieve. No matter what conditions they are coming from, it will be the life that is familiar to them, and it will be a huge change and transition for them. We had friends adopt a 3 year old girl from a Russian orphanage and they could not understand how she could be missing this place that was “awful” in their eyes, but to their daughter who didn’t know anything different, it was home.

It is important to remember that early neglect and/or abuse and multiple placements and “breaks” in attachments can also leave toddlers feeling insecure and can lead to some very challenging behaviors. Knowing as much as you can about your child’s background and history can help you best prepare for what issues they may face.

Toddlers can show grief in a variety of ways…they may cry, scream, be angry and aggressive, be extremely clingy, be very distant or any combination of the above. They may eat poorly, they may overeat, they may sleep very poorly, they may sleep excessively and they may have excessive fears over lots of different things. It is also very common for toddlers to “regress” and act much younger than they were. Toddlers who were potty trained may start having lots of accidents. Children who were weaned may want a bottle. They may want to be rocked like a baby and may act very babyish overall. Be prepared for your child to act any or all of these ways, and do not take it personally, and do not assume that what you see in the first few weeks or months is what your child is really like.

Your toddler will need you to help them get through their grief, and for you to be loving, tolerant, emphathetic, supportive and consistent.

Letting your child regress can be a very good thing for attachment. Rocking your toddler, making lots of eye contact, feeding them, lots of holding and physical touch and babying them in general help to build the bonds like you do with a baby, and make your child feel secure. Many professionals recommend this “regression” and advise that your child will act more and more “their age” as they become securely attached to their new parents, family, home and surroundings.

Attaching and Bonding- Toddlers are at an age where they are trying to build some independence from their parents…taking a step from babyhood…and so having a child that is “being a toddler” and trying to build bonds and attach to you can be conflicting.

As I said above, allowing your child to regress, having lots of physical contact and lots of eye contact are all helpful with bonding and attaching. I also recommend that you (meaning Mom and/or Dad) does all of the feeding, bathing, diapering and other “caring” for the child for quite a while. If you are the consistent care givers, you are showing your child that you always going to be there and are the one that they can come to when they need something. Slowly, this earns their trust.

If you can visit with your child before placement (such as can be done in some domestic adoptions) this is ideal, as it helps your child get to know you before they are permanently placed with you, and gradual transitions are almost always easier for the child. But in most international adoptions, it doesn’t work this way, and after a very few short visits (if any) that child is placed with the new parents.

Toddlers are difficult to “prepare” for adoption as you can with older children, because they do not have the capacity to understand what is really going to happen to them. You can show them pictures and tell them that this is their new mom and dad, and they may even say “mom” and “dad” and point to the pictures, but that doesn’t mean that they understand that they are going to leave all that is familiar to go be with “mom” and “dad”.

While they are old enough to completely understand all that is changing in their lives and all that they are missing, unlike older kids, they can’t ask the questions that they have, express the concerns that they have or explain how they are feeling with words.

Remember that toddlers are often very fearful of strangers, and while you may already be very full of love for your new child, you are basically to them still a stranger.

Transitional objects…something that the child has in their life before the adoption and after, can be helpful in comforting a toddler. Something such as a blanket or a teddy bear is a great idea, and many adoptive parents send something like this to their child before placement.

Having familiar foods is also another great idea…having “comfort” foods, like Amanda’s rice, will help your child feel more at home.

Lots of parents use “attachment parenting” strategies, such as baby wearing, etc. to help foster attachment as well.

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