In my last few posts I have been answering transracial adoption questions posted by readers (I am jumping around a little so I it seems that I have "skipped" your question, I promise I will get to all of them. Also, still feel free to go leave a question too.)

This question is not an easy one:

What do you think is the biggest difference between adult adoptees who resent their transracial placement and those who embrace it? As parents, what is the best way to ensure the latter?

First off, since I am not an adoptee, I cannot truly offer advice on this topic other than the knowledge I have based on research, reading and the shared experiences of others. I do not want to put words in anyone's mouth or speak for a group of which I am not really a part of, or of things I have never personally experienced.

So keep in mind that these thoughts are coming from an adoptive mom, and not an adoptee.

In the articles I have read, it seems that several factors can go into an adoptee growing up to feel resentment towards a transracial adoptive placement.

They seem to be:

- When the ethics of the placement are questionable. When there are thoughts of, "Did my mother really want me placed for adoption?" that can be extremely emotionally difficult on an adoptee.

- When very little or no information is available in regards to the child's placement. Not knowing anything at all about you background, history or birth family can be very emotionally challenging.

- When race is ignored in the adoptive home. I have heard over and over that adoptive families who claim to be "color blind" and ignore issues of race, culture and racism are not doing their children any favors.

- When the adoptee is the only non-white family member, and/or the adoptive family lives in an area of very little racial diversity. These situations can leave an adoptee feeling very isolated and alone.

I think that the best way for adoptive parents to go about things is for one, to insist on an ethical adoption. Every adoptee should be able to have the knowledge that they were either a true orphan, or that their birth parent(s) chose adoption for them for whatever reason.

The next thing I recommend is, whenever possible, to get as much information as you can about your child's early life and history. Sometimes because of the nature of the adoption program or your child's circumstances it is not possible to get many (any) details, but in many situations, adoptive parents are finding ways to fill in the gaps of their children's life stories. If you have the opportunity on your adoption trip to visit the place your child was abandoned, to visit people who cared for him at some point in his life, to visit the place he was born or had lived, or to best of all, meet members of his birth family, I strongly encourage you to make the most of that opportunity. The information will be priceless to your child.

The third thing I recommend to adoptive parents is to not minimize the importance of race and culture. Although your child may not have much interest in race or culture at different times in his life, you should have aspects of your child's culture available and incorporated into your family's life, to show your child that you think it is important and something to be proud of.

I also recommend that transracial adoptive families live as integrated lives as possible. Find opportunities to go to church and send your kids to school where they will not be the racial minority. Although adopting more than one child is not possible for every family, I also encourage families adopting transracially to at least strongly consider adopting more than one child.

Overall, it is important for adoptive parents to teach their children about where they are from and to be proud of their roots. Adoptees should know that they are able to talk about adoption, race and culture any time and that they are not alone.

There is no magic formula to ensure that an adoptee (or any child for that matter) will grow up to be happy and well-adjusted, but there is a lot of information out there for transracial adoptive parents to help us do the very best job possible. Having open lines of conversation, sharing as much information as possible, incorporating culture into family life, acknowledging racial differences and issues, and supplying oodles of unconditional love is a really good starting place.


Here are some other posts I have written on articles about or by adult adoptees:

Transracial Adoption on NPR

Great Essay Written by Transracial Adoptee

Adoptees Feeling Like Outsiders

Lessons in Transracial Adoptive Parenting