"I have spoken with several African American women who have stated that they get upset when they see white parents with black children when the children's hair is not cared for properly."

I get upset when I hear these comments. If these women would like to hear my kids scream, swear, spit, kick and hit like they were being butchered for an hour while thier hair is getting braided, or even washed they can come and do their hair. We made one trip, only one, to the salon. The stylist refused to go any further. Our children were abused and neglected. Far worse than having a bad hairdo. They can't stand having thier hair touched.
Race has nothing to do with it. Me being white with brown kids has nothing to do with it. Having children from an abusive background does.
Eric
www.Pandacurry.com

The problem with your statement is that the image of African-American children with unkempt hair whose parents are non-African-Americans is not solely an "adoption" issue. It is not YOUR experience, but "these women", of which you speak, have a pretty unilateral belief that children of African descent have the right to be cherished and a right to LOOK LIKE THEY ARE CLEAN and CARED FOR. No sane mother of a child whose culture reflected their own, would send their child to school with (what the parent considered to be) a mess on top of their heads. The problem is the baseline of quality for some kids and not for others. Somehow it is ok for a non-African descended parent to walk their child of African descent into a school with a nest upon their heads because NO ONE in their homogeneous neighborhood would expect that parent to be able to deal with "that type of hair". It's as if these parents have made absolutely NO EFFORT to learn how to do their child's hair WHICH IS OUTRAGEOUS. It's not... that... difficult. Once you have been taught...you can manage. "These women", whom you appear to have lost your patience for, are aware of the lack of effort and are rightfully emotional because it is a symptom of something larger in the dominant culture which is punishing even the youngest of children who are now being taught that they are not as valuable as their peers. I'm sorry...it's that big. You can love your children, but it's hard enough being a kid without your parents aiding and abetting your social demise.

Look...COMB out your child's hair BEFORE shampooing and conditioning. ALWAYS USE A RICH CREAMY CONDITIONER(similar to a PANTENE conditioner)geared towards children IN YOUR CHILD'S HAIR - shampoo/condition at least once a week...if your child is extremely active, every 3 days)...If your child's hair has not been thoroughly combed in a while, your child will wince and complain for their hair has BEGUN the process of dreading which will become permanent if not handled immediately. The complaining will no longer be the case once the child's hair is healthy and maintained...(I don't know what kind of salon you went to, but they were no good...maybe they were reacting to the reactions of the children and not their hair.)

Oh...and if you are REALLY combing your child's hair for the first time, use that creamy conditioner BEFORE shampooing...that's right... Saturate your child's hair with the conditioner, gentle attempt to detangle with your fingers first by grabbing a section of the hair and pulling with your fingers out from the head (gently to loosen), comb thru (see below), rinse and follow typical shampooing/conditioning instructions.

Part your child's hair into four equal parts if the child's hair is at or below their shoulders... increase the number of parts if the hair is shorter...secure the parts with anything hair related...but NEVER rubber bands (rubber bands break hair). Apply a moisturizing product (if you haven't already applied a conditioner - there are so many out there)and grab the end of a section of your child's hair tightly. Leave about an inch of hair out. Your child should not feel as if their hair is being pulled. Your fist should take the brunt of whatever the child would typically react to while having their hair combed. Take a wide tooth comb (IMPORTANT)(available at any drugstore, Target, etc...) and gently comb the inch of exposed hair as if you were "detangling" your own hair. Once you have completed the inch, increase the amount of loose hair to about 2 inches and repeat until you are at the root...Once you get the hang of it, it's easy! Eventually, you will not have to comb out your child's hair before shampooing/conditioning.

All you need next are ponytail holders and barrettes to secure the ends of your child's hair (if you are not a fan of the barrettes hanging off your daughter's ponytail, you can use specialized bands that are about a tenth the size of a regular rubber band that do not break the hair).

DO USE a blow dryer WITH A COMB ATTACHMENT on school-aged girls after shampooing instead of electing to have your child's hair pressed or chemically altered in order to get a different look if that is what they desire.

DO NOT attempt to pull all of the hair into one ponytail unless it can be done so easily. Just as with parting your child's hair to untangle, style the child's hair with as little stress on the roots as possible. Instead of one ponytail, make two, three or four for a healthier hair future.

DO secure the ends of their ponytails. The hair may look cute and secure after braiding or twisting in the morning, but it WILL unravel during the day making your child look lopsided.

DO NOT complain about your child's hair EVER, but especially while in the midst of combing. The child will internalize your misgivings about her hair and make styling her hair, for you more difficult.

DO feel a sense of accomplishment for allowing your child a positive image and identity which, although different from yours or their peers, cannot be placed in a category of inferiority from the "get go" for a lack of effort.

Hope this helps panda...