When we think about getting a referral, we typically imagine exciting, wonderful moments as we first learn about the child we are going to adopt. Sometimes however, things do not go that way, and sometimes, families end up turning down a referral instead of joyfully accepting it.

Here are a few thoughts on referrals before I go into some of the reasons that a family could possibly turn down a referral. Since turning down a referral is a very difficult position to be in, you should do all that you can do avoid being in that situation.

- You should always know BEFOREHAND what your agency's policy is regarding referrals. Some agencies do not allow families to turn down a referral without very good reason. Some agencies allow families to turn down a referral, but then put them back at the end of the waiting list. Other agencies have very liberal policies regarding turning down referrals. You should find out beforehand how your agency handles this and what the policies are.

- Be honest about what special needs you are and are not willing to accept. Many agencies have a form of some sort that has families check off or write down what special needs they "may" be willing to consider. Often times, the more special needs you are open to, the faster you will receive a referral. However, if you state that you are open to a certain special need but aren't really, then you are setting yourself up for being in the position to have to turn down a referral.

When you are deciding (for your homestudy or for your placement agency paperwork) what special needs you are open to, put a lot of thought into it and be honest with yourself.

- Along the same line of thinking, be honest with the age range that you request. While I often recommend that people be open to a wider age range than they initially think, if you truly would be disappointed with a referral for a child that is not a young infant, than you should only request a young infant.

- This should go without saying, and for most adoptive parents I know it is not necessary to say this, but I have had enough experiences with adoptive parents to warrant saying this. Asking for a referral is not like ordering a sweater from a catalog. While you can say that you want a "baby girl, healthy, as young as possible", just like you can say you want a "red cotton sweater, size medium", there are no guarantees with a referral, because these are real children coming from difficult situations.

My advice is to be prepared for your child to be someone older, younger, fatter, thinner, balder, hairier, etc. than what you have in mind, so you don't have unrealistic expectations. Also, it is smart to be prepared for your child to have a difficult background history, and for them to have minor medical issues, which are common in adopted children and are usually not considered special needs.

- It is also wise to have a good doctor lined up and ready to go to review your referral. If you are adopting internationally, there are doctors that specialize in reviewing referrals and the accompanying medical information.

In my next post, I will write about reasons why some people do turn down referrals.