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Those of you who know me, even if it is only through my writings, know that I am mostly a “glass half-full, look on the bright side, the sun will come out tomorrow eternal optimist”, who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt, let bygones be bygones, look on the sunny side of life and forgive and forget.
So forgive me if this late night post doesn’t sound a lot like the usual me. Even us happy gals need to vent once in a while.
Can I just say how sick I am of people that feel like they have to tear me and my family down? Can I say how tired I am of people who seem to think that they know better about what is right for Josh and I and our children? Of people who feel obligated to judge us because our life is not what they have chosen? Of people who have to constantly question our intentions, abilities and sanity?
Tonight I am feeling sick and tired.
We do have an overwhelmingly wonderful small support system of people who are always supportive and who I could not do without. That being said, we also have family, friends, neighbors, fellow church-goers, etc. who have nothing nice to say.
Every once and awhile I sure get tired of having to defend myself and my choices and my family. I get tired of being judged by people we know and people we don’t. I get tired of feeling badly that so many people can’t see the joy and the blessings that my family is so chock full of. I get tired that the world around me seems to put more stock and value into fancy houses and nice cars than they do children. I get tired of people assuming that we must be doing something wrong or bad or supernatural, just because our life doesn’t fall into the categories of typical and normal. I get tired of being the one that people gossip about, get upset about, question and criticize.
Why can’t people just look at us and say, “Well, it isn’t the life I chose, but they are happy, their children are thriving, they are doing well…good for them.” ??? Why can’t they give us the benefit of the proverbial doubt?
The stress in my life doesn’t come from the laundry or the bills or preparing meals for 10 kids. The stress in my life doesn’t come from worrying about college or buying 10 pairs of sneakers. The stress in my life doesn’t come from getting 10 kids bathed and dressed for church or to the dentist or to the amusement park.
The stress in my life comes from the people that just can’t seem to accept that just maybe, there is a man and a woman who love each other dearly, cherish their roles as parents, have chosen to dedicate their lives to raising a family and are actually quite good at it, and are also able to love, care for, cherish, give attention to, provide for and in every other way raise to the best of their ability, ten children…while at the same time enjoying the world’s happiest marriage and keeping the check book balanced…and that although this man and woman make sacrifices for the life they have chosen and have occasional struggles, they are sacrifices that they would make 100 times over and struggles they can handle, because compared to the blessings, the sacrifices and struggles are truly small indeed.
Thanks for letting me vent. I promise that tomorrow I will be back to my regular old chipper self.
Oh how I understand your frustration at having other people think they know what is best for you family! It can be so discouraging. Just take heart knowing that you are a mentor and role model for so many that want to pursue transracial adoption and larger families. Although we have never met I admire you so much and you are such an inspiration. Plus I just know a lot of those nasty people are just jealous of you. They are probably struggling so hard with just two or so kids and here you are doing such an amazing job with ten!!
– Jill
For every person frowing their brow in judgment, there’s plenty of us who do in fact say, “wooh, 10 kids? not for me. but what am amazing woman and mother who can take that on.”
The post sounds like you get quite a bit of unwanted feedback on your family. That’s absolutely frustrating. Your strong, you’ll find a good way to handle this, but I’m glad you vented. It’s okay to be stressed or find the world frustrating every now and then…even for the glass-half-full’s!
Erin, whenever I get frustrated wtih my one (plus one playmate or foster child) I think of you fellow blogger Owlhaven who must be AWESOME mothers to even THINK about having all these children. It makes me feel grateful that I just have one.
but that isn’t judging you for your choices, I presume you have a very full exciting life – never a dull moment, and you must have terrific parenting skills.
What type of comments do you get? or is it the looks? Either way, ignore them, and know you have a huge support system of people you’ve never met!
Oh Erin, I can imagine how you feel – people think we’re lunatics and we only have four (soon 5?) kids! I think your family is a blessing and an inspiration. Once upon a time, I might have been one of those people who looked at your family and thought, I could never imagine having that many kids. Now, I think of your family and smile, and hope I have the fortitude and the grace to do as good a job raising my kids as you have done with yours.
Hugs,
Melinda
Erin,
For what it is worth, I not only admire you, I would LOVE to have a huge multicultural family myself. You (and Mary) are my idol! Actually, adoption has been my dream for many years, and we are just getting started on our first. It is so hard to finance even one adoption, though, I don’t know if we will ever have as many adopted children as I would like, but I can tell you, I would never, ever choose a fancy house or snazzy car or expensive clothes over a child. So anyway, although it may feel like it at times, hey, you certainly aren’t alone in your choices and values! I can’t wait to see more posts about Belane.
Stacy
This is when the physical distance bothers me – that I can’t be there in person for you.
May those that love you & support you outweigh those that get you down.
NY is behind you 100%!!!
All our love
Auntie – Uncle John and all
Erin I am so sorry. Plenty of people think we’re lunatics too–we’re young, we have three kids ages two and under, two of which are from Ethiopia…we drive two old, ugly cars to save money and really couldn’t care less about fitting in with everyone else our age.
We also have a good support system but there are plenty who think we’re crazy, in a not-so-nice way. It is so discouraging and makes me really angry. Especially since loving your children and adopting are objectively positive things!
Keep hanging in there. Your family is such an inspiration to me. God bless you guys!
Erin,
My husband and I have 5 bio kids and are adopting from Ethiopia. People have said their share of comments good and bad. One thing that gets me is the “silence.” They think if they don’t mention the adoption, it might not happen.
I think people look at you and your husband and see how unselfish you are. You are investing in the lives of children, not in material things. This has to make people notice their own selfishness. It is easier to criticize someone else than acknowledge their own shortcomings.
God bless you and your husband for embracing the orphans by giving them a loving home!
Sue
Erin,
My husband and I have 5 bio kids and are adopting from Ethiopia. People have said their share of comments good and bad. One thing that gets me is the “silence.” They think if they don’t mention the adoption, it might not happen.
I think people look at you and your husband and see how unselfish you are. You are investing in the lives of children, not in material things. This has to make people notice their own selfishness. It is easier to criticize someone else than acknowledge their own shortcomings.
God bless you and your husband for embracing the orphans by giving them a loving home!
Sue
I don’t know you except through your blog, but I think you’re awesome. I got my first little taste of this today at church (of course). A little old lady came up to me and said, “So you have 2 kids. Why would you want another one?” Grrrrrr, to the nasty little old lady!! Actually, I found myself patiently explaining myself and then wondering why I had just invested the time and energy in doing so. Anyway, I think you and your family are super.
You know I’m behind you Erin and I’m sorry you had somebody try to burst your bubble. But the good thing is that they weren’t successful and you’re still the happy, wonderful family you always are. You’ll be a fabulous mom to 10 just as you’re a fabulous mom to 9!
You are an inspiration to many people, myself included. I don’t get so freaked out about our nine since I’m have the benefit of knowing other awesome big-family moms like you.