In some recent “blog surfing”, which I do once in a while to check out other blogs, see what is making headlines and getting ideas for my own blog, I came across this post on the Chunk O Funk blog. Chunk is a dad that writes about his life (and is not, as I can tell, an adoptive dad).

But he had an experience that reminded me of something that adoptive parents do need to keep in the back of their minds and be prepared for.

Chunk was out in the world with his son, and at the end of a long day, his son had a typical pre-schooler melt down when he dropped a candy out of him mouth and his dad threw it away. As they got on the bus, the little boy calmed down, but a woman who watched the tantrum, called the authorities and reported the situation, stating that she was concerned that the man was not the boy’s father.

A trip to the police station, where the dad showed a photo of his son in his wallet and the little boy told the cop that the man was his dad ended the event fairly quickly, but beyond being embarrassing, frustrating and down-right maddening (has any parent ever had a child that did NOT throw a tantrum in public at some point in their life???) this was really scary, too.

As parents of children who do not look like us, transracial families are at definite risk for this type of situation. If it can happen to a white man with his biological, same-race son, it can certainly happen to parents who have children that physically look very different. I have heard stories of authorities being called when black toddlers pitch a fit when it is time to leave a playground, and their white parents or grandparents are seen dragging them off. I have heard stories about parents of Asian children with Mongolian spots, being reported to the authorities for child abuse after someone mistakes the birthmarks for bruises.

On one hand I think it’s great that people are paying attention to kids and looking out for their well-being (I do think that most people in these situations mean well) but on the other hand, I know of situations that have ended up causing a lot of heart ache for families who had to “clear things up” with authorities. The reality is we live in a place where anyone can report anything to the authorities whether they have good reason to or not, and the authorities are obligated to investigate.

My advice would be to not be paranoid, but to be prepared. Carry family photos in your wallet, because that definitely seems to be able to set things straight pretty quickly. I do know that some families carry photo copies of their adoption papers in their purse or wallet, just to be cautious. I would also try to notice people who may be paying a little extra attention to you. If you notice someone staring at your daughter’s Mongolian spots on her arms, you could comment, “Those are Mongolian spots, which are common birth marks in Asian children.” Or, if you saw someone watching you or your toddler (who was having a tantrum) you could comment that your son always gets crabby at nap time, or always cries when it’s time to leave the park, etc. Parents with Asian kids who have Mongolian spots are recommended to document them with your child’s doctor through notes and/or photos.

I think for any mom or dad, having your role or abilities as a parent publicly questioned would be awful. I hope that this day will never come for us, but just in case, I plan to be aware and be prepared.