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I have to admit that I do not enjoy watching people squirm. If someone makes a mistake or doses a faux pas I really feel sorry for them and am embarrassed that they are embarrassed. My Hubby would say I’m a softy, but I think of it as empathy.
I’ll give you an example: When watching a basketball game or other game, I am adamant to cheer when the other team does something well. I also try not to “over cheer” for my team. I HATE it when people cheer when the other team does something wrong or misses a basket. I do not want to identify with those people. Needless to say, I’m not a huge fan of sports as it causes me way to much stress! I, for the most part, hate competition and wish every one could win. The rule in my house when playing a board game is that the winner puts the game away.(I feel this teaches good sportsmanship, Hubby thinks it is ridiculous and does not give the incentive to win.) All in all, it is good that Hubby and I balance things out.
This part of my personality has changed a bit since becoming a transracial family. When a person trips up in front of me and says something really stupid (Like describing someone as black, when there was no need to bring in skin color) I tend to give them a “What did you just say?” stare. I do not enjoy their discomfort, but I don’t feel bad for them either. I do not necessarily believe that all people who say stupid things are bad. I am known for saying stupid things myself. I just find that giving them a certain stare makes people think about what they have said, and maybe reflect on their true feelings about something.
I see this as a personal growth really. I don’t need to be so co-dependent on other people’s feelings and my reaction may actually help others as well. Of course sometimes it just puts you in a weird circumstance.
Tonight at a family birthday celebration, my sis-in-law’s father started to describe a beggar on the street as black. He quickly back-petaled and was pretty convincing that he was describing the guy’s car as black. After he left my sis-in-law apologized for her dad in a way that did not condone or defend him, but let me know that she caught what he had said and didn’t agree with it. A few years ago I would have told her something like,”Oh, don’t worry about it. He didn’t mean anything by it.” This time we laughed at her dad’s discomfort and hoped he would realize how his words show his true beliefs. So not me!
I guess the moral of the story is that when you become a transracial family, your whole family dynamic changes. You identify differently with things, your personality may change a bit. I view this as a good thing. I don’t worry I’ve grown cold or insensitive. I feel like a lioness protecting her young and changing the world, one stare at a time!
Photo Credit Mandy W. 2009
