Question for you? Do you automatically tell your child’s new teacher that they are adopted or do you let it be a non-issue? I struggle with this every year and as my son gets ready to make a new transition, at the beginning of 2011, I am presented with the dilemma again.
On the one hand, being adopted is a part of who he is. I am proud to say we created our family through adoption, especially thrilled that he could become a part of our crazy bunch. On the other hand there are so many other neat things about him. I do not want being adopted to define him. Nor is it my intention to become the poster family for adoption. With those thoughts in mind I am never sure if I should bring up the information or wait and see if it gets brought up by itself.
Every child I have views adoption differently, and to make it more confusing, those views change hour to hour. Sometimes they love being different from everyone else. My son has proudly announced to his whole class that his birth mom loved him but could not take care of him, so he got to come and be adopted by us! Another child rarely brings it up. This is partly because it’s not how he identifies himself, and partly because he prefers to blend into the crowd. I try to take their feelings about adoption into consideration while making this decision but I still go back and forth about what the right thing to do is.
When debating it in my head I think, “Well if the teacher knows then she can be more sensitive when it comes to class projects and books the class reads.” The other side says, “Well, if the teacher knows she could treat him differently or think that by me mentioning it, I treat him differently.” My mind keeps fairly busy talking to itself!
So any advice out there in the world wide web? What are your thoughts? Spill the beans or mums the word?
I am both a Korean adoptee and mother to a Korean adoptee. I think you should have a conversation with the teacher and explain what you just explained here; that you don’t expect nor want special/differential treatment for your child, but that you just want to make aware of the fact that he is adopted. I am not sure how old your son is, but by you telling the teacher lifts the burden from him having to explain it down the road (i.e., when he has to draw a family tree, or when he is learning about heredity, etc.). The teacher can also be a source of support and understanding when necessary (i.e., helping to answer questions from other students if/when your son may not have the words). Telling the teacher also opens the door to an opportunity for educating the whole class about what it means to be adopted, which I believe can be beneficial for everyone. Additionally, I feel that being adopted IS a significant part of an adoptee’s self-identity that should not be ignored or minimized. I definitely understand the constant shifts in attitude toward adoption and (un)willingness to embrace it – to this day, there are times when being adopted is extremely important to me and a defining part of my self-identity and other times when it takes a backseat in effort to blend in. But when it comes down to it, being adopted is very much a part of who I am and who my family is and how my relationships have been shaped; to deny or hide the fact would be denying who I am. So I say, tell the teacher.
I really like the point you made about it taking the burden off him later on. I never thought about that but I could see how that would be stress provoking for some of my children. Thanks for your post…pretty sure I am going to find a way to mention it in the opening conversation.