I get asked a lot what to expect when your new child comes home, and I have to say that I do have quite a bit of experience in bringing home new children. I have lots of advice on things to do and things not to do…ways to prepare, and ways to survive. But when it comes down to what to expect, I can sum up my advice in a one word answer.

Nothing.

My advice is don’t expect a thing. (Aren’t you glad you aren’t paying for this advice?)

Now wait, hear me out. It is very easy to go into an adoption with expectations. Even when we are told not to, it is hard not to develop some expectations along the way. However, this is setting you and your new child(ren) up for trouble.

The main reason you can’t know what to expect, is that every child is SO different. Every child, depending on their own life experiences, unique personality and that all-important resiliency factor, are going to handle stress, loss, excitement, grief, nervousness, joy, change and complete up-heaval in drastically different ways.

Where one child might withdraw and be sad and sullen, another child might be wound up and over-hyper. Where one child may cling to their new parents for dear life out of fear, another child may push them away due to the same emotion. Some children adjust to new foods easily, others are naturally pickier, and others use food as a control issue. Some children can sleep anywhere no matter what is going on in their lives, and some children have a very difficult time sleeping when they are going through big changes. Some children will “show their cards” and go through the adjustment phase early after their homecoming, and some will “honeymoon” and wait to test you until they feel safe enough to do so.

Add to that the fact that you typically know very little about the child’s real personality, that sometimes the age you were told can be significantly “off” (and many internationally adopted children act "younger" than their same-aged US counterparts) and a whole bunch of other unknowns and the very best thing to expect is nothing at all.

See, it wasn’t such bad advice, was it?

If, in the beginning, you don’t expect your child to behave a certain way or react a certain way or grieve a certain way or treat you a certain way or “be” a certain way, then it won’t be a struggle for you to deal with when they don’t actually act as you expected. Not having expectations allows you to be a lot more flexible.

I recommend you read lots of books, talk to lots of parents and learn what is possible. I tell people to “prepare for the worst and hope for the best”, and to know that reality will be somewhere in the middle. And I add to that, keep an open mind, and try as much as possible not to have too many expectations on what your new child will be like.

In my next post, I will share some advice on what to do once your new child is home sweet home.