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I have been writing about the things I have learned in the “Because They Waited” adoptive parenting course. In the beginning of the course they state that adoptive parents have a responsibility to share good adoptive parenting information with other adoptive parents, so I hope that some of you will find some useful information in these posts.
The fourth and final topic that was included in the testing portion of the course was titled, “What DO You Need to Know About Attachment?”
This topic started off by giving some definitions. While the words bonding and attachment are often used interchangeably, a bond can be any level of relationship between two ore more people, while an attachment is a special form of emotional relationship that is mutually safe, comfortable, safe and pleasurable for both parties.
Bonds can turn into attachments. Bonds can be developed quickly. Attachments take time.
Here are some pieces of wisdom for adoptive parents:
- When the cycle of need recurs over and over, with the adoptive parent meeting the needs of the child, that creates the building blocks for attachment.
- Attachment is much more than merely love. It is a process that includes trust and other aspects that take time to build.
- Attachment runs on a continuum, with “very attached” at one end, and “Reactive Attachment Disorder” at the other end. The attachment continuum is often like a teeter totter, and children can slip one way or another. Parents are at the center of that attachment teeter totter.
- Children who are truly unattached are a very small percentage of all adopted children, and these stories are often sensationalized in the media.
- At the same time, most newly adopted children will have some level of attachment “strain”, and all adoptive parents will have to deal with some attachment issues.
- Risk factors for attachment include abuse, neglect, sudden changes in care giver, untreated illnesses or pains and frequent placements.
- Parents need to get three messages across to their children continuously. Those are, “You are a good child”, “I will always love you”, and “There is no problem too big.”
- Parenting should always be firm, fair and loving guidance.
- Discipline should not involve distance (such as time outs). Time-ins and holding of some sort can be effective.
Overall I thought that this class had a lot of great information, even for someone who considers herself “an old pro” at this stuff. I would love to pass this course on to someone who wants it, so if you’re interested, please email me at erinh@adoptionblogs.com
